Archive for April, 2010

Red Lipstick

April 29, 2010

There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those people usually juggle for a living. I once met a girl who was able to pull it off, so I let her buy me dinner. Later that night she was making out with my wang, when I realized that all that lipstick was rubbing off. So I evacuated my moan-maker from her face hole, took some silverware for my trouble, and snuck out of her tent.

Red lipstick looks horrible on most women, and all men. The bright crimson hue is an unnatural abomination pushed upon your face by cynical cosmetic industry scientists. I’m sure somewhere in a laboratory, two scientists are high-fiving each other, laughing at all the bullshit new names for shades of red they invent. There have been literally thousands of names for the same color of lipstick over the years, yet there are only about 3 shades of red: red, dark red, light red. Period. And I mean that grammatically, and not menstrually, though the context makes sense now that I think about it.

They just make up names as they go along, and you idiots keep buying the same three shades of red over and over again:Here are some actual names for shades of red lipstick: berry juicy, candied apple, midnight red, love that red, volcanic red, red velvet, red reinvented, cherry desirable, opulent garnet, royal red, etc, etc. You know they’re just making shit up when they start using abstract concepts like “love” and “desirable” in the name. Most of the shades are indiscernible from each other, but women insist that there’s a difference.  Dumbasses.

Iron Mike

April 28, 2010


There are some peoople on this planet that are so absurd that I don’t even need to have a punchline to make them funny.  Would you believe me if I told you that this was the transcript of one of Mike Tyson’s press conferences verbatim?

“Put your mother in a straight jacket, you punk ass white boy! Come here and tell me that and I’ll fuck you in the ass, you punk white boy. You faggot. You can’t touch me, you’re not man enough. I eat your asshole alive you bitch. Fuck you you ho. Come say to my face and I fuck you for everybody. You bitch. Come on you bitch. You scared coward, you not man enough to fuck with me. You can’t last two minutes in my world bitch. Look at you, you scared now you ho. Scared like a little white pussy. Scared of the real man. I’ll fuck you till you love me faggot.”

If you don’t believe me watch the video.

Top Gun

April 25, 2010

 

For those of you who don’t remember, “Top Gun” was the movie about a bunch of guys who stand around high-fiving each other for about 90 minutes. The movie focuses on some loser named “Maverick” who penetrates deep into the coveted veil of the top gun academy of smug, sexually frustrated aviators. I know many of you reading this will probably think I’m exaggerating when I say this (since I exaggerate everything), but there were no fewer than 500 shower scenes in this movie. The wardrobe for this film must have consisted of a towel, a jump suit, and 50 pages of gay innuendo, because the rest of the time Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer were walking around naked eyeing each other’s packages.

Then as if the director didn’t think all the high-fiving and shower scenes were suggestive enough, there was a gratuitous scene in which all the guys got oiled up and played volleyball. Every few minutes I half-expected to see Cruise and Kilmer lock lips to a ballad of “It’s Raining Men:”  If you remember having good memories of this movie, then it was probably because you were too young to know what was going on, or an idiot. Don’t bother resurrecting this classic to prove I’m right.

Dave Matthew’s Band

April 20, 2010

Two words, fuck them.  It’s the whitest band ever, which is saying something considering 3 of the members are black, and Dave Matthews is literally an African American (born in South Africa). His music can be heard in Whole Foods stores, Live Earth concerts, or blasting from the speakers of open-topped Jeeps parked on curbs everywhere. The typical fan is either some dude wearing khaki cargo shorts replete with dangling rock climbing hooks, even though he doesn’t hike because he can’t afford to drive his gas-guzzling Jeep, or some chick with huge boobs, buck teeth, and an ankle-length floral skirt that she twirls around like an idiot because she thinks her awesome boobs give her enough social capital to make up for the buck teeth and hairy toes (they don’t):

The Man-Code

April 18, 2010

The other day while I was watching the NBA playoffs, my roomate comes in and says “who’s playing?” I was like “dude, it’s the fucking playoffs, what do you mean who’s playing, that is a direct violation of Man Code.” If you are a man and you are reading this and you don’t know Man-Code, first off fuck you.  If you are female, stop reading this immediately.  However if you are a dude, it’s your lucky day becuase here is the  Man-Code brought to you by Madchuck. 

1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”

14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“Come on, give me one more, harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or text message him every 5 minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men’s gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Erin Andrews chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of Family Guy or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty’s. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says “Lick my nuts” as a way to put you down, don’t try to be funny by saying “OK” and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary…

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.

Tim Tebow

April 15, 2010

Besides buying a Range Rover, nothing is going to bring more satisfaction to my life than when Tim Tebow tries to lower his shoulder on an NFL linebacker and somebody just lays the lumber to him. That running around horseshit does not work in the NFL, just ask Pat White. What the hell was Pat White thinking anyway? He looks like a friggin point guard, he’s not running over shit in the NFL. I literally thought he was dead on this play.

Skinny Jeans

April 13, 2010

newboyz2.jpg image by rightonmag

This needs to stop.  I hate dudes who wear skinny jeans.  I don’t consider myself a very violent person, but I would love to crack whoever started this absurd trend.  Skinny jeans are not stylish.  They can’t be comfortable.  And you look like a fucking faggot.  Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up the only people who dressed like this were flaming homosexuals.  Remember when dudes played sports,drank beer, and got into fistfights?  Well the very existence of the male species is being threatened by dudes who wear nut-huggers like these.

Furthermore, every wannabe “new-age” rapper/rocker is wearing them.  Thus, people who wear these jeans are NOT being original.  Just like Von Dutch Hats, Ed Hardy, and chain wallets, I hope this shit comes to an end soon.  How the fuck do you even get jeans like that on?  Where do you store your wallet?   Hey asshole, why don’t you just buy a pair of jeans that fit properly!  God, I would love to fuck these dudes up.

 What kills me about people who dress like this is that you have to go out of your way to do it.  I mean, wearing skinny jeans is NOT comfortable.  Seriously, fuck hipsters.    Alright, skinny jeans are not all bad.  Apparently, they lower sperm count in those who wear them.  That is a good thing because  the cocksuckers who wear them will not be able to reproduce.  Natural Selection my friend.

If I ruled the world, hip-hop would go back to this-

Sarah Palin

April 11, 2010

Feminists are loud, stupid, bitchy and above all: annoying. All they do is run around shrieking about men. News flash: nobody gives a damn. Go away. I’m pretty tired of taking responsibility for some slack-ass women that expect special privilages from men.

Where the hell is the feminist movement today? I looked through some feminist books at the library, and almost every one of them bitched about male patriarchy. Oppression this and equal rights that. BORING. Where’s the violence? Nobody wants to read about a single mom trying to raise a kid and keep a job. People want to read about explosions, monsters, and exploding monsters.

I was minding my own business at school the other day when all of a sudden I was surrounded by screaming feminists. They had gnarled claws, horns, goat hoofs and made an unearthly hissing noise. They came out of a hole in the ground that led straight into hell where I could see Satan (Sarah Palin) directing her army. I thought I was done for when suddenly I remembered that I had a shotgun on me (with rounds of common sense).

The feminists started to advance towards me, in all their unshaved armpit infamy, preaching anti-male rhetoric and singing “I am woman hear me roar.” One of them jumped at me with a two edged blade of double standards, but I counterattacked with a pile of “Get a job.” This kept her occupied, but there were more. I took out my shotgun and blasted 10 or 20 of them, but they kept respawning faster than I could finish them off. It was almost as if they had a hidden energy source. Suddenly I noticed the source of all my problems: music coming out from the pit of hell! It sounded like a mixture of Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Katie Perry and Pink all packed together for a mega dose of super suck.

I had to act quick before the effects of the shitty music would turn me into a permanent dumbass. So I grabbed my shotgun and jumped into the pit. I fell through all the levels of hell, each level conveniently marked with signs saying “Level 1: Expensive Trendy Clothing, Level 2: Dance Clubs For Sluts and Assholes..” etc. until finally I reached the last level where Sarah Palin herself resides. She immediately tried to hit me with some Republican propaganda, but I busted out a can of woop ass wrapped in a package of “Shut the hell up,” which seemed to wound her ego. She tried and tried, but couldn’t get me to conform. Finally she blew up like a zit, and that’s the end of my feminist story. The moral of the story is that feminists are bad, evil people, and listening to too much shitty music will turn you into a dumbass. It’s all true, I’m right, go to hell.

Interview Process

April 10, 2010

One of the worst experiences in law school has been the ritual of submitting applications for summer employment and then going through a series of 20-minute screening interviews that would put a marine drill sergeant to shame when it comes to humiliating and dehumanizing you. Here are my top-ten (least) favorite questions, and how I actually answered them as opposed to how I would have liked to answer them.

1. Why are you interested in this firm?

What I said: Your firm handled (insert name of case I read on their website) which I found to be exciting because it was just like another case I was reading in this class I got an A in. I’ve also asked some (read: none) upper class-men about your office and they said it’s a great work environment.

What I thought: I looked through your attorney roster and saw that you hire people who do not appear to have any honors and come from bad law schools. That made me think that I have a chance to work here.

2. Why did you go to law school?

What I said: I went to law school because I want to be able to make a difference. Legal work allows me to be competitive and to work for justice, both of which are important things in my life.

What I thought: That’s a good question, and I ask myself it daily. I’d have to say the answer is, stupidity.

3. Do you think your grades are an accurate reflection of the kind of work you will do as an attorney?

What I said: Law school has been a challenge, and I think my grades reflect that. More important than my grades, which by the way have steadily improved over my academic career, is my dedication to the work I do. My performance during my summer jobs is the best indicator of how I will work, and you will find that my previous employers were all pleased with me (or at least forgot who I am and so will not remember the fuck ups).

What I thought: My grades are absolutely a good reflection of how I will work. I will put in the minimum amount of effort needed to not get fired, and I will approach my job with contempt and disinterest.

4. What would you say is your greatest weakness?

What I said: My greatest weakness is that I get too personally involved with my work. For instance, when I am working on trial prep, and then the case settles favorably, I feel as though it should have gone to trial anyway, despite knowing that the settlement is what’s best for our firm and our client.

What I thought: Pussy.

5. Tell us about a recent mistake that you have made.

What I said: I accidentally misfiled a case at work that was set to go to trial the next week. As soon as I realized this, I alerted my supervisor and disaster was averted.

What I thought: An even bigger mistake I’ve made has been wasting 20 minutes of my life in this interview instead of drinking beers or watching porn.

6. What do you do for fun?

What I said: I enjoy playing flag football, working out, and reading.

What I thought: When I really want to have fun, I buy a 30 case of Keystone Light and an eight of mushrooms and get dangerously intoxicated before I head to the bar.

7. Tell us about your style of leadership.

What I said: I lead by taking the initiative and working proactively with my peers to come up with solutions.

What I thought: I lead by playing “The Eye of the Tiger” on a boombox while pounding my fist on the table and shouting insults. (It works, I’ve done it)

8. If you don’t get hired by this firm, what will you do?

What I said: I will analyze what I could have done better during the interview and take that knowledge with me into my next interview with [rival firm name].

What I thought: I will breath a sigh of relief that I won’t be working for an asshole like you. Or I will stalk you and slit your throat. I haven’t decided yet.

9. Do you have any questions for us?

What I said: Will I have a key so that I can come in and work on the weekends?

What I thought: Will I have a key so that I can come in and have sex with my clients on my desk on the weekends?

10. We value creativity among our associates. With that in mind, what kind of plant would you be, and why?

What I said: I would be a tree, because they are tall, strong, and live a long life.

What I thought: I would be a tree, so that I could fall on you and kill you

The No Spin Zone

April 8, 2010

I hate Bill O’ Reilly.  This cocksucker is the epitome of narcissm, and that means a lot coming from me.  Bill O’Reilly gets a major chubby every time he says the phrase “fair and balanced.” That’s my theory anyway, otherwise he wouldn’t say it in spite of the fact that FOX News’ slogan is: “we report, you decide.” I love that slogan, because it makes me feel empowered. They report, I DECIDE! Wow, it’s almost as if I’m being reminded that I still have the capacity for critical thinking, but only insofar as I tune into their network. Here’s a quick question to the executives at FOX News (because I know you assholes will eventually read this): why do you keep calling yourselves “fair and balanced?” Shouldn’t we DECIDE whether or not you’re “fair” and/or “balanced”? Is it even possible to be fair and unbalanced? Just let it go, it’s not witty, it’s not clever. It’s not even catchy. Let it go.


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