Archive for March, 2012

Government Nigga?

March 31, 2012

Crazy Eyes Jesse James?

March 29, 2012

SacBeeA man was arrested after he jumped on the hood of a police car and shouted his name. Sacramento police said an officer was sitting in a patrol car in the 2600 block of Fairfield Street in the Noralto neighborhood about 1 a.m. this morning when a man walked up and leaped upon the hood of the vehicle. He then yelled his own name, jumped down and ran away. The jumper was easy to search for because he was described as wearing a dark puffy jacket, a sombrero and a boxing glove on one hand. Jesse James Thomas, 55, was found nearby, lying in the street. Thomas was arrested for suspicion of being drunk in public.

This is one of those stories that doesn’t require any interesting perspective or creative prose or anything like that.  All you have to do is paint the picture — tell the people what happened so they can see it in their mind.

A crazy old black man wearing a sombrero and a single boxing glove jumped on the hood of a cop car — WITH A COP INSIDE — then proceeded to yell at the cop: “JESSE JAMES THOMAS!”  Which, after he was later arrested found passed out in the middle of the street, turned out to be his name.

Crazy guy.  Sombrero.  One boxing glove.  Police car.  Cop inside.  “JESSE JAMES THOMAS!”  Run away. ???  Passed out in street.  Arrested.  This picture.

Mugshot for the ages.

McDonald Whore Making?

March 29, 2012

Huff PoShelley Lynn, a former prostitute and employee of the Las Vegas Chicken Ranch brothel, has claimed in a federal court complaint that McDonald’s played a role in her becoming a sex worker, the Consumerist reports. Lynn is suing McDonald’s along with her ex-husband and his company  Ivernia, which owned the local McDonald’s franchise where Lynn was  employed as a cashier 20 years ago, according to the complaint obtained by Courthouse News Service. Handley “emotionally and psychologically” coerced Lynn into  prostitution in part because McDonald’s paid her minimum wage, offered a  poor health care plans and no benefits and had no system for filing  grievances against employers who abused their power, according to the  complaint. All of these factors allowed Handley, her employer when the  two began dating, to unjustly terminate her employment and browbeat her  into sex work, Lynn claims.  ynn is suing McDonald’s for lost wages as well as a number of  damages, according to the Consumerist. According to the career and  workplace review site Glassdoor, the average hourly pay for McDonald’s crew members is $7.64 per hour, or around $15,000 per year. In comparison, Taco Bell paid an average of $7.83 per hour, Wendy’s paid $7.66 per hour and Burger King paid $8 per hour.

Simple cause and effect, folks. If you pay me $7.64 an hour to make Big Macs and you don’t provide a suitable chain of command to blow the whistle on inappropriate McDonald’s behavior, you leave me with no choice but to take dick for a living for the next 20 years. There’s only so much a woman can take before she reaches her breaking point. Only so many burgers you can flip for 7 bucks an hour until you suck dick on the streets. You don’t see Wendy’s employees and BK employees and Taco Bell employees turning tricks. Probably because they all get paid more per hour and the human resources department has a system for filing grievances. Fuck I mean I don’t even think Kentucky Fried Chicken workers turn to a life of prostitution and they’re just a shade above being homeless.

Just a bad, bad look for Ronald McDonald and company. “Come intern for McDonald’s! We’ll groom you to become a street walking prostitute! Ba da, bop bop baaaaa!”

Crack Kills?

March 28, 2012

ocalaThree days before the brutal beating of a 73-year-old woman, Eric Tyrone Powell began “popping pills,” smoking crack, snorting cocaine, taking ecstasy and consuming any drugs he could get his hands on, the suspect said Monday night in a jailhouse interview. Powell, 35, of Silver Springs Shores, was arrested Monday on charges of attempted felony murder and home-invasion robbery. Unable to go to his job installing molding because he was “too zoned out” from the drugs — and because he had not slept in days — Powell said he needed money to get more drugs. Then, Powell said, he started following a 73-year-old woman. He made small conversation with the victim, telling her he worked for a cable company and that his work truck had problems and he needed some water to drink. The woman went into her condominium and came out with the water. Powell said he drank some, then grabbed a dumbbell the woman had carried while exercising, which was sitting by the front door, and used it as a weapon to beat her. The suspect said they tussled and that he beat her severely. He placed a shirt over her mouth so she would stop screaming. “I’m human. I make mistakes. I pray and hope that she forgives me,” Powell said.

I acknowledge that most of you are going to jump to conclusions and immediately demonize our friend Eric Tyrone Powell here, but you really have to look at this from a more forgiving and understanding perspective. The man needs crack.  You wouldn’t expect a car to run without gas or a cell phone to operate with no battery, so there’s no reason to expect a veteran all-star crackhead like Eric to go about his day NOT strung out on crystallized cocaine.  That’s just not who he is on the inside.  Eric can’t go about life pretending to be something he’s not.  He’s a crackhead.  He gets into crackhead adventures.  And sometimes those adventures involve stalking an innocent geriatric women then beating her within an inch of her life with an old lady jogging dumbbell for drug money.

We’re all human, right?  Surely we can forgive this one little simple mistake.

A Chink in the Armor?

March 28, 2012

(Newser)– Jeremy Lin has met with the ESPN headline writer who was fired over an offensive headline he wrote about the Knicks star’s first loss, and all appears to be forgiven.”It went incredible,” Anthony Federico, 28, told Newsday. “We talked for an hour. I’m just so thankful.” Federico has previously called the headline an “honest mistake.” Lin  declined to talk about the meeting, which came about after a member of  his family contacted Federico. They’ve been trying to coordinate a  meeting ever since, but Lin’s busy schedule has proved prohibitive. “The  fact that he reached out to me … He’s just a wonderful, humble person,”  Federico says. He says they bonded over their shared Christian faith,  and talked about Lin’s knee injury.

I love how the dude who was at the center of this whole debacle gave himself the nickname “ChinkBalla” back when he was in school. Like there is a zero percent chance Jeremy Lin gave one fuck about the “Chink In the Armor” headline. Lets not make this out to be like when Pope John Paul forgave the dude who tried to assassinate him. He probably met with this dude to be like “Sorry you got fired man, I didn’t give a shit.” Bought him some dinner and chit chatted about God a little bit.

I think there should be rule that if the subject of an offensive joke doesn’t actually get offended, there should be no punishment. I mean if Jeremy Lin didn’t really react and no Asians were really up in arms, who cares? I mean I didn’t see one quote or article or story from any group or advocates of Asian people saying how offended they were. Its like nobody really gave a fuck and everyone shrugged it off except for ESPN. Oh well. I think the world is too uptight but, lesson learned. No chink puns when dealing with Asians.

Also, that is DEFINATELY a young Jeremy Lin in those above picture.  Either that or I’m a racist and think all Asians look the same.  But i’m pretty sure it’s a young Linsanity.

Team Player?

March 27, 2012

Face-Off?

March 27, 2012

CNNA 37-year-old man received an extensive face transplant stretching from his hairline down to the neck, including a jaw, full set of teeth, tongue and cheeks. The surgery essentially replaced most of the patient’s face except for his eyes and the back remnant of his throat. Richard Lee Norris of Hillsville, Virginia, is the 23rd patient to receive a face transplant in the world.  His doctors at the R. Adams Cowley Shock Trauma Center at the University of Maryland Medical Center say this operation is the most extensive surgery of its kind because of the extent of the transplant and the placement of an entire set of teeth. “The face will look like a blend of the donor as well as Richard,” said Dr.Eduardo D. Rodriguez, associate professor of surgery at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.  “There are some unique features, his nose, the chin that have been replaced in entirety. Other than that, it’s a combination of both individuals.” The hospital did not release details about the anonymous donor, due to the family’s request. The family specifically consented to the face transplant procedure.

I probably would have opted for a less frightening face as well, but you gotta admit that middle face is fantastic.  He looked like that old Keystone Light bitter beer face guy, only if they transplanted penis skin for his nose.  Just an eye-opening Face/Off-like transformation for our hero here.  Early Richard was just a normal kid with a healthy unibrow, middle Rich looked like he was playing banjo in a West Virginian shed and hid a bunch of meth in his mouth just as the cops busted in, and current Rich looks like a Hollywood-quality mask of that kid who shot up Virginia Tech a few years back.  All in all I’d chalk this up as a one in the win column for medical science.

Aggravated Pimping?

March 27, 2012

Aggravated pimpin ain’t easy!

PARISFrench magistrates charged Dominique Strauss-Kahn with “aggravated  pimping,” placing the former International Monetary Fund chief under  preliminary investigation for his alleged involvement in a French  prostitution ring, prosecutors said. Prostitution is legal in France, but pimping isn’t. To indict him,  prosecutors would have to prove that he played an organizational role in  the alleged prostitution ring. Investigators allege that Mr. Strauss-Kahn, while he was head of the  IMF, took part in parties organized by an alleged prostitution ring,  people familiar with the matter said. Through lawyers, Mr. Strauss-Kahn  has acknowledged publicly to participating in parties, notably in  Washington and in Paris, but has said he didn’t know that women present  may have been prostitutes.

Hold up. Prostitution is legal in France but pimping isn’t? How does that work? How can you really effectively have one without the other? Thats like saying chickens are legal but eggs are illegal. Makes no sense.

Moving on – France should really come up with a better term than Aggravated Pimping. That glorifies the shit out of that crime. Like I’d take an aggravated pimping charge as a badge of honor. Sounds like the name of a Dr. Dre song. “Aggravated Pimping” featuring MC Ren, Daz Dillinger and Kurupt. Song would be fire. It might be the name of every fantasy sports team I ever make from here on out. If there’s one way way to take a borderline rapist and minimize his reprehensible behavior, its charging him with Aggravated Pimping. I mean it makes me wanna high five the guy more than anything.

Penguin Mommy?

March 27, 2012

Newser – Warning: You may not want to read (or watch) this while eating. Alicia Silverstone has a somewhat unconventional method for feeding her 11-month-old son, Bear Blu: She chews the food for him, then lets him take it directly out of her mouth. She posted a picture and video of the practice on her website over the weekend, writing, “I fed Bear the mochi and a tiny bit of veggies from the soup … from my mouth to his. It’s his favorite … and mine. He literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I’m eating.” But is the practice safe? One doctor tells Fox News it may not be, since viruses and bacteria can be passed from mom to baby, and plus, “there’s a certain ick factor here that needs to be considered.” The deputy editor of parenting site Babble.com notes that the video looks “like Alicia is making out with her son,” and a family therapist questions whether the practice is psychologically appropriate. A nutrition specialist sums it up: “I think a food processor and a spoon are a better bet!”

Make no mistake about it – if you feed your child like a penguin, you are the biggest asshole on the planet earth. You’re a bigger asshole than the biggest Occupier in all of Occupy Wall Street. You make the folks at PETA look fun to hang out with.

Alicia Silverstone you are the worst. You were so important to me growing up. I literally masturbated to the Aerosmith video for Cryin. When you got that tattoo and got your belly button pierced and went bungee jumping off that overpass with a rope tied around your waist I’m pretty sure my balls dropped on the spot. When you ran it back for the video for Crazy and did all that pseudo-lesbian shit with Liv Tyler it was like the greatest sequel of all time. I loved you, Alicia.

And this is how your repay me? By acting like an emperor penguin and half way digesting food and spewing it into your son’s mouth. By making a youtube video that looks way too much like you tongue kissing your son. A son, by the way, that you named “Bear.” What kind of fucking bear can’t eat his own food? Good luck when you send this little guy off to his first day of school and he expects someone to chew up his PB&J sandwich and throw up into his mouth. Teacher teacher my mommy used to kiss me with food can you do that for me too!

Aggravated Pimping?

March 27, 2012

Aggravated pimpin ain’t easy!

PARISFrench magistrates charged Dominique Strauss-Kahn with “aggravated  pimping,” placing the former International Monetary Fund chief under  preliminary investigation for his alleged involvement in a French  prostitution ring, prosecutors said. Prostitution is legal in France, but pimping isn’t. To indict him,  prosecutors would have to prove that he played an organizational role in  the alleged prostitution ring. Investigators allege that Mr. Strauss-Kahn, while he was head of the  IMF, took part in parties organized by an alleged prostitution ring,  people familiar with the matter said. Through lawyers, Mr. Strauss-Kahn  has acknowledged publicly to participating in parties, notably in  Washington and in Paris, but has said he didn’t know that women present  may have been prostitutes.

Hold up. Prostitution is legal in France but pimping isn’t? How does that work? How can you really effectively have one without the other? Thats like saying chickens are legal but eggs are illegal. Makes no sense.

Moving on – France should really come up with a better term than Aggravated Pimping. That glorifies the shit out of that crime. Like I’d take an aggravated pimping charge as a badge of honor. Sounds like the name of a Dr. Dre song. “Aggravated Pimping” featuring MC Ren, Daz Dillinger and Kurupt. Song would be fire. It might be the name of every fantasy sports team I ever make from here on out. If there’s one way way to take a borderline rapist and minimize his reprehensible behavior, its charging him with Aggravated Pimping. I mean it makes me wanna high five the guy more than anything.


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