That’s your name bro, Gunner Keil?  That’s a hell of a football name.  Your destined to play QB  in the National Football League if your fucking name is Gunner Keil.  That’s even better than “Colt McCoy.”  You ain’t going to be no investment banker named Gunner Keil.  I’m going to give all my kids sick football names.  Bad-ass names like Takeo Spikes, A.J. Hawk, Quentin Jammer, and Captain Munnerlyn.  

Honorable mention to  Courtney Greene, DB, Jaguars; Taylor Mays, DB, Bengals; Ashley Palmer, LB, Lions; Blair White.  Only because their names sound like it should belong to a hot girl and/or female porn star.

I know we re-hash this every time Sammy comes out of hiding but the man simply looks too ridiculous to ignore. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY, SAMMY. We remember what you looked like when you were all juiced-up smashing the shit out of baseballs. You’ve lived in America for too many years to give in to cultural racism to the point where you whitewash yourself. Bleaching your skin and perming your hair so you look like some nightmarish version of Ricky Ricardo? That’s so 1930′s, Sosa. I know things are different on the island of Hispanola but grow the fuck up. You’re rich! Who cares if people there think you’re ‘lesser than’ because you’re skin is (was) darker.

But the worst part of it all is how you’re living in this fantasy world where you think people believe that you were getting some COMPLETLY UNRELATED skin treatment that ended up having the unfortunate side effect was coming out looking like a member of the Dominican Addams Family. We aren’t stupid, bruh. We know what you did. And it looks crazy.

Daily Mail – A teenage girl who has eaten almost nothing else apart from chicken nuggets for 15 years has been warned by doctors that the junk food is killing her. Stacey Irvine, 17, has been hooked on the treats since her mother bought her some at a McDonald’s restaurant when she was two. Shocked doctors learned of her habit when the factory worker, from Castle Vale, Birmingham, collapsed and was taken to hospital after struggling to breathe. Miss Irvine, who has never eaten fruit or vegetables, had swollen veins in her tongue and was found to have anaemia.  Medics gave her a series of injections and started her on an urgent course of vitamins. But, despite being warned that she could die if she sticks to her nugget addiction, she still can’t resist the fast food. Miss Irvine, who prefers McDonald’s treats but also enjoys KFC’s, told The Sun: ‘I am starting to realise this is really bad for me.’ One of her favourite pastimes is sharing 20 nuggets and a portion of fries with her boyfriend.

You know people love to preach about all that “you only live once” mentality. “Life’s too short.” “Live life to the fullest.” Well you know who lives that life we all just talk about? Stacey Irvine, thats who. Lifes too short for fruit and vegetables. Fuck, life’s too short even for another item off the McDonalds menu. You like chicken mcnuggets? Then fuckin eat chicken mcnuggets for 15 years. You only got a limited amount of time on this planet and if you think Stacey Irvine is gonna spend it worry about “food groups” and “nutrition” then you’ve got another thing coming. And variety and experimentation are just for foodie snobs who can’t appreciate the deliciousness of a fried chicken nugget.

Not a bad looking broad for only living on chicken McNuggets.  I was expecting a disgusting, fat mess.  She looks semi-normal.  Ain’t too bad.

Arbroath – A mother was outraged after learning of a gruesome incident involving her baby and a local childcare center, which has led to a probe by the state health department. The Donald K. Tucker Childcare Center, located in Newark, New Jersey, sparked criticism after 8-month-old baby Alanah Barba was found nibbling on a rodent while being supervised by preschool staff. “I’m very upset because first of all they should’ve been watching her more carefully,” mother Brittany Barba said. The baby was initially found by her grandmother, who assumed that the creature was a toy, but after closer inspection, realized that it was actually a dead mouse. “There’s germs, mice carry disease, disgusted by it all,” the baby’s aunt Nadiyyah Miller said. Miller explained that the entire family is frustrated because the daycare center refused to answer their questions about the incident, even denying them access to view the incident report. Although the daycare center released a statement explaining that the incident was rare, Miller and Barba have criticized the childcare center for failing to answer a series of questions including how long the rodent was in Alanah’s mouth.

I hear a lot of blaming and finger pointing but I don’t see anyone really giving fault to the true guilty party here: the baby. What kind of kid puts a dead mouse in their mouth? That’s just stupid. And if the baby is stupid, maybe this here is the mother’s fault for not placing her child in the appropriate stupid children daycare center that better suits her needs. Everybody’s so quick to blame the daycare center and the people watching the baby. Look: mice happen. They’ve been happening since before people existed. It’s Alanah Barba’s responsibility just like it is for all of us to educate and prepare our children for a world filled with corruption, deceit, and dead crib-mice.

Have to admit that this daycare owner doesn’t seem the brightest, though. “We’ll DOUBLE the number of exterminations each month!” Great idea, guy. Babies around poison always beats babies around mice.

Chicago Tribune – A 38-year-old Willowbrook man accused of calling 911 and asking to fight a police officer faces felony battery and resisting arrest charges, police said on Monday. Police said John R. Pacella, of the 200 block of Stanhope Drive, was arrested after a 911 call from a man who “wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them” about 4 a.m. on Jan. 19, police said. When officers arrived at Pacella’s home, he shoved the officers, according to a police report.  He is charged with aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult – all felonies – records indicate. Willowbrook police say they have had prior contact with Pacella, who is registered sex offender.

Is this not a dream come true for a police officer? I bet when dispatch put out the word to cops on the beat it was a fucking scramble to get on the scene first. Usually its like “All units we’ve got a domestic violence dispute, children involved” or like “All units we have a narcotics situation downtown, gunfire reported.” All that shit sucks. Dangerous and depressing. Cops probably just shut their radio off and pretend they never heard that shit. But when dispatch comes over the radio like “All units, we have a white trash sex offender who’s challenging the police department to a fist fight. Any officers available to respond?” the fuckin radio frequency probably explodes from cops responding. Guys were probably playing Rocks Paper Scissor and Odds and Evens to see who gets the privilege to beat this dude’s ass. Its like a bouncer getting the green light to beat the shit out of some drunk asshole talking shit.

The Sun – HOLLYWOOD makes fun of 40-year-old virgins but for Charlotte Baird it is not a scary prospect. She turns 40 in May and has never even KISSED a man, let alone slept with one. Charlotte made the decision at 11 that the first man she slept with would be The One — and she hasn’t met him yet. She says: “I know it will shock many people that I still haven’t slept with a man at my age but I have always been happy with my decision. “Living a life of celibacy makes me feel secure and in control of my life. “This is why I choose to be open and honest about my decision. “Being celibate suits me and as I have never had sex, I don’t miss it.”  She says: “I love my life and just because I haven’t ‘done the deed’ doesn’t make me weird. “I’m happy knowing that one day I will have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with a man I love. “At the moment being celibate is quite fashionable, as it means being in control of your life. “My dad’s never questioned me about it,” says Charlotte. “Probably because he’s a man and he’s embarrassed. My mum does find it baffling.”  “Obviously meeting Mr Right would be wonderful, but I’m in no rush,” she says. There are a few things my perfect man would have. “He would have to be tall, an animal lover who is young at heart, but also very responsible.

One of my favorite excuses of all time. “Oh no, don’t worry. I actually like it this way.” Yea, sure you do, sweetheart. You don’t want to have sex, has nothing to do with the fact that you look like Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.  I use this excuse every chance I can get. I tell Yankee fans all the time that I like being a Mets fan because if they ever win a World Series, I’ll appreciate it so much more than the spoiled Yankees fans who win them all the time. Its gonna be so much more special. Yea fuckin right! I’d love to be spoiled by too many World Series rings. If I had my way I’d win so many championships that I wouldn’t even be fazed by them anymore.

Thats like this bitch here. Ohh it will be so much more special for me when it finally happens, thats why I choose not to. Whatever you say toots. The reason the Mets don’t win the World Series is because they fucking suck and the reason Prince Charming is knocking on the door of your pussy is because you’re ugly and people think you’re a weirdo. If the Mets could start winning World Series and suitors were lining up to knock the dust off your pussy, you and me would both be as happy as a pig in shit, sister. Spare me the dog and pony show about “I like it this way.” Its like when I burn my grilled cheese and tell people “Its ok, I like it a little black.” Just covering my ass because I’m about to eat a shitty sandwich.

PS – “My dad’s never questioned me about it.” What a fucking surprise! Of course your dad hasn’t brought up the fact that you’re a celibate weirdo. Whats the old saying? “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?” Thats just like this situation here except its more like “If your daughter ain’t getting fucked, don’t tell her she should go out and get fucked.” By the time chicks are like 18 fathers usually have to accept the fact that dicks are gonna penetrate their daughter. This dude has lucked out an additional 20 years

FleshLiPad - Most apple fanboys out there would LOVE to stick their peenors into their precious ipads. Seriously, they would. Well this is a concept for the fleshlipad holder which would take your overused fleshlight and turn it into a high tech instrument of digital fap fap fappery.

Ohhh shit, Valentine’s Day hearing footsteps!  Watch your back Valentine’s Day.  Not gonna be racking in the dough on flowers and cards and fancy shmancy prix fixe dinners by candlelight from a bunch of poor assholes trying to get laid anymore.  Nope not with the Fleslipad on the market.  Know who doesn’t need a $150 3-course meal and botttle of wine to let you put your dick in them?  Virtual Tori Black on Youjizz on your iPad with a fleshlight attached for you to stick your penis in that’s who!  All you need is a WiFi connection and a little bit of imagination.   I’m telling you ProFlowers and Hallmark are shitting their pants right now.  Valentine’s Day romance is out.   iPad Fleshlight fucking is fucking in.

MANCHESTER, CT (WFSB) – A Manchester man was arrested Wednesday by South Windsor police and is facing multiple charges after being accused of placing a hidden camera in his home’s bathroom. Paul Zajac, 20, turned himself in to police; Police said Zajac was using a hidden camera to record people using a bathroom inside his home. His computer was reviewed by investigators trained in forensic examinations and 24 images of people using the bathroom were found. Zajac is now facing 24 counts of voyeuristic recording. This is like what’s hot in the streets in the pervert world nowadays. Filming people taking a shit. You got bros setting up shop in like Starbucks bathrooms and their work stalls wiring in tiny little HD microfiber minicams to get some dump videos. I don’t really get it? I mean not to say that I usually get what’s going on with perverts but at least you can kind of see where they’re coming from. Their brain is all fucked so they get off on weird disgusting stuff. But people pooping? How boring is that? Like what are you hoping to catch on that video? You sit there for 10 minutes staring at your iPhone. You lean up a couple centimeters and wipe. You flush. Boom done. Where’s the perv thrill come in there? Just don’t see it. And do these dudes getting secretly filmed taking a shit really care about it? Like I can’t imagine they got all fired up and marched down to the police station and demanded blood or something. They were probably just like uhhhh weird. Not boozing at that kid’s apartment anymore. PS- 24 separate counts? How many fucking friends does this bro have? I don’t think I could name 24 people I would let into my front door if you forced me to let alone 24 people I’d chill with and have using my bathroom and shit. Like if the world was ending and I had a secret bunker and was allowed to invite 24 people to survive I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even have that thing half full. Just way too many friends to keep track of.

This clip is wild old but I’d never seen it and laughed too hard to let it slide. The pure panic in my man’s eyes is the most basic human form of confusion and fear I’ve ever seen. Nobody should be allowed to get super high on Salvia without knowing the effects of the stuff, let alone be filmed while stuck in a small concrete enclosure. This camera guy/”friend” is both a genius and an asshole. Thought for a second this could be fake, but you can’t fake the pure terror in his expression.

“This shit like weed?”
“…..Yeah.”

Right when he clumsily puts the lighter down I lost it. Best prank I’ve seen in a minute.

DM – A registered vet has been charged with a crime against nature after he was accused of having sex with a horse when he was a student at Oklahoma State University’s veterinary medicine programme. Thomas Lyle Wilson, 28, appeared before a Tulsa County Court judge on Thursday after he was charged with one count of crimes against nature, He pled not guilty. Dr Wilson now practices at an animal hospital in Pennsylvania. The court heard that on 14 September, 2009, a veterinarian was checking on the horses in the clinic’s barn via a live video feed and ‘observed the defendant having sex with a horse’. When he confronted Wilson, he allegedly said: ‘I’m glad you caught me. I need help.’

Bro, there’s no need to feel ashamed here. A lot of people experiment in college. Some chicks get into lesbian relationships, some guys end up getting with their first Asian, and overall it’s a learning experience for us all. So you got caught on camera sticking your meat thermometer into a few horses, it can’t be that big of a deal, right? I mean it’s not like you contracted Genital Horpies or HHIV or anything.

Besides: you’re a vet. How else are you supposed to really know about your animals unless you spend some very special, very intimate time with each of them? There is no other way. I’m not saying I excuse his crimes or think every veterinarian should be out blowing dogs or raping bunnies — I’m not saying that. I just know that if my pet comes down with something serious and I’m given the choice between some green rookie who’s new to the helm or an experienced doctor who really KNOWS his patients, I’m going horsefucker 10 out of 10 times. Just sayin’.