Archive for March, 2010

Stuart Scott

March 30, 2010

Sip up that Hatorade boys and girls Madchuck is back.  Can anyone argue that Stuart Scott is not the worst ESPN reporter in the history of the network? The man cannot make it through a telecast without some reference to his Carolina roots. While reading a report during a March Madness, he made some reference to UNC not getting any respect. It was great when Linda Cohn finally told him to shut up. She said, “Hey Stuart, the Tarheels did not make the tournament. Didn’t you get the memo?”

Scott’s never ending attempt to bring a hip-hop flavor (or should I say “flava”) to ESPN has done nothing but turn off countless viewers. We don’t care if you’re African-American. So are many other reporters and they don’t make idiots out of themselves and shove their “blackness” down our throats. We also don’t care if Michael Jordan is one of your homies. You drop his name more times than Braylon Edwards drops the football. Please stick to reading the cue cards.

Will some one please explain to me why anyone puts up with Stuart Scott, and why including his annoying attempts at capitalizing on hip-hop vernacular was a good idea. When he said “all that and a bag of chips,” I laughed. When he moved to “cool as the other side of the pillow,” I cried. But when he started singing Soulja Boy after a wide-open lay-up, I wanted to KILL someone.

Advertisements

Elin Woods

March 30, 2010

Let just say hypothetically if the roles were reversed and it was Elin Woods who cheated on Tiger with like 40 dudes. What if when Tiger found out about this his reaction was to beat her up inside their kitchen.  Now picture as Elin tried to escape in her Escalade, Tiger took out his nine iron and proceeded to smash the windows out of her car of her as she was pulling out of the driveway at 4AM.  Now suppose Tiger’s rampage caused her to crash into a tree and be knocked unconcious?

Do you think anyone would say “poor Tiger.”  “She broke his heart.”  Would Elin give a public apology?  No, his “caublasian”  ass would’ve been in jail the second the police got there.

Ricky Martin

March 29, 2010

Ricky Martin came out of the closet today.  Big Suprise.  Thats like Pete Rose admitting he gambled on baseball.  Or  Mark McGuire admitting to using steriods.  Could this have been more obvious?  Ricky, I knew since Livin’ La Vida Loca.

The Demise of the Chapelle Show

March 24, 2010

Dave Chapelle was not crazy.  Here is the infamous pixies clip that caused Chapelle to quit the show.  Judging by my previous posts you can see that I love offensive jokes as much as the next man.  However, if you understand the culturally and historical concept of what I’m about to show you, then you will understand that it crossed the line.

This is like a Jew doing holocaust jokes.  Comedy Central wanted Dave Chapelle to do more of this kind of shit.  Chapelle said that he felt that the producers were no longer laughing with him but laughing at him.  55 million dollars is a lot of money to turn down, but I commend Chapelle for not selling out like Tyler Perry and putting more of this coon nonsense on TV. I mean it’s kinda funny but the blackface and sambo dance were definately overboard. Especially considering the demographic who watched the show. I mean this could’ve been funny sans the blackface.

Lawrence Phillips

March 23, 2010

 

I am so sick and tired of seeing athletes dating reality show stars, cheating on their wives, and going on dancing with the starts.  Reggie Bush is perhaps the worst offender of this.  That is when he’s not taking pictures with his shirt off or running out of bounds, of course.  We need dudes like Lawrence Phillips back in the league.  Who?  You know that guy that the Rams drafted sixth overall in the 1996 NFL draft.  To call Phillips a “thug” would be like calling Jenna Jameson “promiscuous.”  Phillips could perhaps be the most ridiculous human being to ever don an NFL jersey. 

Phillips was a pretty crummy running back in the NFL.  He is best known for missing a crucial block on Aeneas Williams during a Monday Night game.  Williams killed Steve Young on the play.  Young never played another down in the NFL.  Seriously, I thought Steve Young was dead after this hit.  Then, Phillips basically became a one man crime wave after the 49ers released his ass.

How did Phillips even get drafted?  While at the University of Nebraska, Phillips attacked his girlfriend in her apartment and dragged her down her three flights of stairs, the prosecutor said.  Phillips punched a woman at a club in 1998, choked a woman in 2000 and choked another woman in Canada in 2003.

I’m not even making this up.  On August 21, 2005, Phillips was arrested for assault after allegedly driving a car into three teenagers, following a dispute with the teens during a pick-up football game in Los Angeles, California. At the time of the arrest, Phillips was wanted by the San Diego, California, police in connection with two alleged domestic abuse incidents involving a former girlfriend, who claimed that Phillips choked her to the point of unconsciousness during one of the incidents. In addition, the LAPD was seeking Phillips in connection with yet another, separate domestic abuse allegation that had occurred previously in Los Angeles.  On December 18, 2009, Phillips was sentenced to more than 31 years in prison for attacking his girlfriend and driving his car into three teens.  On the bright side, at least he’s not Rae Carruth.

The Curious Case of Jayson Williams

March 22, 2010

If you don’t know the back story on the accidental shooting that took place at Jayson Williams home in 2002 ESPN.com has a break down of what occurred then and why it has taken so long for Williams to be sentenced.  Williams potentially can be in prison for five years, but with good behavior he will be paroled after 18 months.

But I have an exercise for you.

It is called “Common Sense Law” and I want you to play along.  I am going to give you five different illegal offenses and then I am going to rank them in what I believe is the most to the least severe.

1- Accidentally shooting man to death at your home while playing around with a shotgun

2- Being the person financing a dog fighting operation ran by your family.

3- Accidentally shooting yourself with a gun with an expired license while trying to hand it over to security in the club.

4- A multiple felon trying to purchase illegal military firearms from an undercover FBI agent.

5- Accidentally killing a man while driving drunk/high.

Now using just “common sense law” here is how I would rank them.

1- Multiple felon trying to purchase guns.

2- Accidentally killing a man while playing with guns.

3- Accidentally killing a man while driving legally drunk.

4- Accidentally shooting yourself.

5- Running a dog fighting operation.

Now in this is what happened in reality with these jail sentences:

1- Dog Fighting operation. (Michael Vick)

2- Accidentally shooting yourself. (Plaxico Burress)

3- Accidentally killing man in your home. (Jayson Williams)

4- Multiple felon purchasing guns. (T.I.)

5- Accidentally killing man while legally driving drunk. (Donte Stallworth)

Yeah our society is backwards:

How to spot a Pedophile

March 22, 2010

Ever see a guy at work or school who sends off creepy vibes, and you say to yourself “man, I know that guy rapes children”? Some mental health doctors claim that there’s no way to tell a pedophile apart from anyone else just by looks alone. Wrong. I scoured the FBI’s most wanted list and found some examples that confirmed my theory. Here’s what to look for:

Meet Mark David Keller, wanted for paying young homeless boys for sex. Notice the telltale sign of a man who has a penchant for boy ass: the pedophile-smile or “pedosmile.” It’s part smirk, part grin, and all molester. It’s like he’s having a two-for-one sale on rape, no refunds or exchanges.

John Wall dance

March 22, 2010

This is so stupid. However, you may see me doing it the next time I’m out at the club.

Tit Curtains

March 18, 2010

I don’t know what this style is called since every retailer comes up with their own “clever” name for it, so I’m just going to call them tit curtains because they look like curtains draped over your tits. You might as well be wearing a burka. It’s one giant formless piece of cloth draped around your waist. There’s a reason pregnant women wear clothes like this, and it’s because it usually looks good on them in lieu of a beekeeper outfit. You’re not pregnant, so cut that shit out.

What boggles my mind about tit curtains is that it’s becoming trendy, right up there with “skinny jeans”. I don’t get it. If I had boobs, the last thing I’d want to do with them is cover them up with curtains, though I’d probably eventually cover them with curtains when I’d exhausted everything else (oil, soap, other boobs, my hands, the lid of a photocopy machine, the mouths of other lesbians, etc). Quit disrespecting your chest hams.

GNC

March 18, 2010

I used to work at GNC making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, “Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.” Now minimum wage used to come up to about $200 a week and then they’d take out $50 in taxes. That’s alot of money if you’re only making $200 a week. That’s kinda like kicking Monday and Tuesday in the ass. I hate taxes, I hate checks. I hate the fact that they put two amounts of money on your check. It’s like: This is the money you worked all week for, and this is what you’re gonna get. Don’t tease me! Don’t take off your bra and say: “Whatcha lookin’ at?” I think taxes are the reason there’s so much crime.