The Bar Slut Posse

There is nothing worst than a bar slut. For those of you who don’t know, the textbook definition of a bar slut is: a woman who is driven by loneliness and sexual deprivation at home who seeks out the attention and ecstasy she craves in the arms of strangers she meets at the bars she secretly frequents for just that reason. Bar Sluts typically travel in packs. This entry will analyze the different types of bar sluts that you should avoid at all costs.

The epitome of bar sluts is Hollywood socialite, Tara Reid. Tara Reid is like the Queen of Bar Sluts. However, for some reason I suspect Miley Cyrus will dethrone her once she turns 21. Bar sluts are so predictable. There are several flavors of bar sluts. Tara Reid falls into the Lush variety.

The Lush:– The lush is the girl who drinks six vodka cranberries and proceeds to act like the drunkest person in the bar. The lush uses this tactic merely as an excuse to tongue down as many dudes with girlfriends as she can. Despite boozing six nights a week, the lush never seems to build up a tolerence nor does she learn to simply drink less. She is often loud an obnoxious. If you are in the bar and “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey comes on, god help you. This bitch feels the need to torture every patron in the bar by singing off pitch as loud as she can. “I’M JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL, LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD”,….. holy shit I fucking hate you. I wish somebody would give this cunt a swift kick to the ovaries. The lush is usually accompanied with…

The Mom: The mom seems to exist for no other reason than to cockblock every single dude The lush tries to go home with. The mom is usually the designated driver for the night. Every time a round of shots is ordered she reminds everyone “I can’t drink tonight, I’m Driving.” The mom can usually be found in the ladies room holding back the lushes hair as she vomits in the toilet. Don’t even bother hitting on the mom because it’s likely that she already has a “douchebag” boyfriend (see previous post). The mom spends most of her night hanging out with …

The Grenade– The grenade is a term made famous by “The Situation” from MTV’s hit TV show, The Jersey Shore. The grenade is the solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties. If the grenade doesn’t get any action, then neither does anyone else. However, it is only acceptable to jump on the grenade if your boy is guaranteed ass. Plus, the chick your boy is screwing must be at least an eight or above. If you jump on the grenade and give it to a fugly chick, you are not required to pay for drinks the next time you go to the bar. The grenade sucks but she is better than…

The Token Fat Chick– Every group has one. The grenade and the Token Fat Chick can sometimes be the same girl. However, being fat is not a prerequisite for being the grenade. Being butt ugly is enough. The Token Fat Chick usually wears a baggy, multi-patterned garment to cover up her flab and fool drunk dudes. The Token Fat Chick has no business being in a bar anyway. The last thing she needs is to be slugging back beers. Bitch, you don’t need to get fucked up 5 nights a week, try two. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to hook up with the Token Fat Chick. Fat people repulse me. I know it’s mean, but as Tucker Max says, “Fat chicks aren’t real people.” However, if you avoid the ham hog and play your cards right, you may find …

The Cougar– The Cougar an older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered bitch, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, or a milf. The reason why you’d be lucky to find a cougar is that they are typically DTF (Down to Fuck). NEVER, EVER, Dance with The Cougar. She will simply embarrass you by pulling out some Studio 54 bulshit. Dancing should be left to…

The “I only date black guys white girl”- – This actually may be the worst bar slut of them all. Oh, Daddy didn’t buy you that Mercedes you wanted? This bitch gets back at her abusive, redneck, alcoholic father by wearing baby phat, hoop earings, dark red lipstick, and only dating black men. What pisses me off the most about the “I only date black guys white girl” is that she will fuck ANY black guy. It doesn’t matter if he has a job, a car, or even money. She often says stupid shit to the DJ like “put on some reagae.” Nobody likes reagae, kill yourself. Your worst than…

The “It’s my birthday/bachorlette party girl”– Fuck you! Take off that god damn tiara. You are not a fucking princess, so cut that shit out. While she is out pretending to be Cinderalla, her fiance is stuffing prostitutes in Vegas. Likewise, I don’t give a shit if it’s your birthday, buy your own god damn pussy kamikaze shot. I hate girls who do this. I want to throw you into a vat of molten lava like the T-1000 in Terminator 2. Or better yet, I want to kick you into a well just like King Leonidas did to that Persian motherfucker in the movie 300. “THIS IS SPARTA”. If I had a taser, I’d tase the…

Punk Rocker Chick– ……………….. (No explanation needed). Don’t you just want to punch…

The Guidette-– Go back to “Lawn Guyland.” Nobody likes you. Anyone who wears Ed Hardy, white pants, enjoys house music, or drinks redbull & vodka deserves to be eradicated.

This list pretty much runs down every type of bar slut that there is. The aforementioned list is exactly why I don’t even attempt to meet girls at bars anymore. If your a chick and you fall into any of these categories, I suggest drinking a pint glass of bleach. I am Madchuck, and this is how I roll.

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3 Responses to “The Bar Slut Posse”

  1. Battle Royale in Dennys « Madchuck Sports Says:

    […] I’m sorry but this is epic. A full on old school WWF hardcore match breaks out in Dennys. The “I only date black guys white girl” is fucking insane. I love the fact that she’s tossing chairs like she’s Cactus Jack […]

  2. frank Says:

    Yoooo I love u for writing this is my life with bar bitches ..u rock!!!

  3. themadchuck Says:

    Thank you Frank the tank. This is one of my best.

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