The “Real” Jersey Shore

MTV’s ridiculously hilarious TV Show, The Jersey Shore, has caused a great deal of controversy ever since it first aired. Specifically, the show has drawn protests from UNICO. UNICO says, “Jersey Shore is basing its show on the worst sterotypes of young Italian-Americans.”

Moreover, I always here people from Jersey bitching about “that’s not the real Jersey Shore.” I’m here to tell you, that the show is pretty much EXACTLY how the Jersey Shore is. It couldn’t be more accurate. I’ve lived 10 minutes away from the Jersey Shore basically my entire life. Shit, I used to see The Situation at the gym and in the club all the time.

Aside: I kinda feel absurd everytime I say “The Situation” when referring to a person. It’s almost the exact same feeling I get whenever I hear a sports annoucer say “Ochocinco.”

To be fair to my homestate, 95% of these douchebags come from New York, Staten Island, and North Jersey. Similarly, Seaside Heights is a billion times worse than Belmar in terms of trashiness.

However, I just dare you to go to Headliner or DJAIS on Saturday night in the summer and count the number of Ed Hardy T-Shirts, girls in white pants (See Guidette in “Bar Slut Posse”), people who tan entirely too much, juiceheads, tribal tattoos, jager bombs, ridiculous haircuts, and dudes who overuse the term “bro”. The over/under is 75.

I also guarantee that over the course of the night you will hear at least 5 different guys say “you don’t know where I’m from, bro”, before they get into a “fight”. I put the word fight in parentheses because these pussies never fight, they just talk about it. Ronnie, from Jersey Shore fame, is an exception. But remember, he’s not even Italian. That’s the Puerto Rican in him thats whoopin’ all that ass.

I swear that the Sopranos are the worst fucking thing to ever happen to society. Every single Italian kid thinks he’s goddamn Tony Soprano. I would equate this to when Rocky came out in 1976. All of a sudden every Italian dude thought they were a tough guy. You are not in the fucking mob, and you are not a “made man”, so cut it out. Just because your father owns a pizzaria, it does not entitle you to go around town talking about “whacking” people. Give me a fucking break. Let some 5’2 Italian dude come at me talking that mess… and we’ll see what happens to him.

If you moved from New York to New Jersey when you were two years old, but still go around telling people your from “Brooklyn, bro”, follow these three simple steps. 1. go to kitchen 2. grab butcher knife. 3. slit wrist (or throat..it doesn’t really matter to me).

This video was shot 3 years before the Jersey Shore was filmed. These self-proclaimed guidos are eerily similar to the Jersey Shore cast. Unfortunately, this is what I call home…

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