The Ham and Egger

I’m so sick and tired of every girl that I’m friends with bitching about the dude she is dating or sleeping with. I always give the same response. I say “that’s because you date ham & eggers, what did you expect.” And every single girl always replies “What’s that?” Now I will explain myself once and for all.

A “ham and egger” is a derogatory phrase used to describe a mediocre person of little, if any, academic, professional and/or life accomplishments (typically a male of low social status and often times used to describe an average or underperforming athlete). Ostensibly, a loser who might be expected to eat ham and eggs as a means of subsistence because of the simplicity of the meal.

My old football coach always use to say that football was a metaphor for life. I never knew what the the hell he was talking about all these years until I started writing this about a minute ago. Here’s the example.

Say the Colts were playing the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship game. Ray Lewis comes on a blitz and levels Peyton Manning, thus, rendering him unconcious. After Peyton Manning is carted off the field, and Jim Sorgi comes in, at that moment it would be a proper time nudge your buddy and say “who the fuck is this ham & egger.” This philosophy works with Hollywood actors as well. One may say Mark Wahlburg is the MAN whereas Hayden Christensen, the dude who played Anaken Skywalker in Star Wars Episode II, is a ham and egger.

Ham and Eggers and Douchebags overlap in a multitude of ways. However, not every ham & egger is a douchebag but every douchebag is a ham & egger. How about that for some logic, biatch.

Name- Chet. Chet is pretty much your quintessential ham and egger. Ham & eggers are easy to spot. They spend most of their time shopping in

Abercrombie and Fitch- or American Eagle and Hollister. If he’s a low level ham & egger you may find him in Aeropostale, or even worst Old Navy. Anyone who spends $60 on a “vintage” shirt that looks like it has been washed 15 times already, should be required by law to have a vasectomy. Be sure to maintain a distance of at least 20 feet away from these dudes. If you get too close, you might catch a whiff of…

That nasty musky cologne smell- that both Abercrombie and Hollister have permeating throughout their respective stores. I bet you somewhere in America two scientists are laughing their asses off because they were able to decieve these ham & eggers into wearing that repulsive cologne. Abercrombie cologne smells like a combination of Old Spice and a babies diaper. And what is up with the..

Jesus shoes– What pisses me off the most about the sandals is that this asshole will continue to wear them even in the dead of winter. That makes absolutely no sense to me. I want to choke him with one of those stupid…

Seashell neckless- If you still do or ever have owned a seashell neckless, I hope someone spikes your drink with Drano the next time you go to the bar. Although you don’t see it, I bet Chet owns one. I don’t even know how girls screw these ham & eggers, because they only do…

Missionary Style- Ham & eggers a lame, boring, and unadventurous. I’ll keep ripping on you bitch, as long as you keep wearing those….

Ripped Jeans- Do you want really kills me about ham and eggers? It’s that cocksuckers like Chet charge $110 on his mother’s American Express card for a pair of ripped fucking jeans. I had ripped jeans when I was like 10 years old because they were hand-me-downs from my older brother. Not to make a goddamn fashion statement. Chet, your trying to hard. And for god sake, stop making that…

Stupid pose- Your not in college anymore asshole. Your a 26 year old grown man. You are Not fucking Dane Cook, and even if you were you would still suck. Fuck Dane Cook and the horse he rode in on, he is abysmal. Keep sipping that…

Not a beer- If that is a jack and coke or a rum and coke I am giving you amnesty, Chet. On second thought, I am not giving you shit. Your a ham and egger, and I hate you.

Well now you know what a ham & egger is. Ham & eggers are not limited to Abercrombie guys. This was just one example to familiarize yourself with their breed. Ham and eggers like this add nothing to society. They are not funny,smart, good at sports, or cool. They are boring, lame, cookie-cutter sons of bitches. They add NOTHING to society. Basically they suck. Stop dating them! They exist to keep MTV in business by watching all of their dumbass programming. Watching shit like “Parental Control”………… get the fuck out of here.

Look at the Douchebag Ham & Egger combo. The worst of its kind.

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