The Townie

Welcome to another edition of The Mind of a Maniac. Today’s topic is “The Townie.” Throughout the United States, townies are lurking near our colleges and universities. A townie typically is a resident living in a college town that has never attended any formal college. Townies can range anywhere from 17 to 55 years in age.

Townies come in many shapes, sizes, races, and creeds. However, the one characteristic that typically holds true is that 98% of them are either white trash or ghetto shit. This entry will analyze how to spot the female white trash classification of townie. I suggest that you listen up and learn how to avoid townie women at all cost.

Name-– Bambi. Either this bitch was named after a stripper or she was named after Disney’s 1942 animated film about a deer. Just as black townies give their children phony African names (i.e. Shamiqua), white townies always name thier kids after strippers. Thus, any girl with the name Tammi, Candi, or Amber, should probably be avoided. That is unless your idea of a good time is contracting hepatitis C. However, having a stripper name is not a prerequisite for being a townie. Be on the lookout for…

Straight hair that’s bleached on top but dyed dark below- This should be the ultimate red flag. It’s 2010, noone dyes their hair anymore. Except for mayonaise sandwhich eating townies of course. I hate townies and their…

Loud Mouths- Townies are always bitching about their problems. Not even normal problems like you and me, but townie problems. For example, if you hear a woman bitching about her deadbeat boyfriend/husband or her job at Wawa, Target, TGI Fridays, or Applebees, she’s a fucking townie. Seriously, who gives a shit that your boss cut your “shift” early. Anyone who has a “shift” who is not a doctor, police officer, or nurse, is a townie. Period. Townie’s are always bitching to someone on their…

Cell phone- I hate cell phones. Sure, they are convienent, but townies are always using them in public places. I just want to go to Wawa and get a fucking iced coffee without having to hear the townie in front of me yap on her fucking Razr. Yeah, townies still use Motarolla Razr’s. While I’m at it, fuck Motorolla. Notice the phone is spelled “Razr” and not “Razor”, as if the addition of the letter “o” would not be consistent with the views of Motorolla’s urban youth demographic who tend to frown upon linguistic formalities such as proper enunciation. I mean, proper ‘nunciation, yo! Townies often carry a…

Bottle of vodka – into the bar with them in their…

Handbag- I use the term “handbag” loosely because it’s typically some knockoff Louie Vitton from Chinatown. Quite possibly the worst aspect of townie women is their…

Clothing- Regardless of their age or weight, these bitches will expose clevage, bra straps, tummys, guts, thongs, you name it. Some people eat at these bars, have some fucking respect.

There are many different types of townies. This entry only chronicled the white trash female. Regardless of what your drunk buddy says, they are not cougars. They are walking STD’s. If you see one of their kind out at the bar, turn the other way.


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