Archive for August, 2010

Dick Masterson

August 30, 2010

This is hilarious. His name is “Dick Masterson”. Masterson proves his point that women are stupid by playing the completely over-the-top character who despises women. Women get pissed because they are too dumb to realize that it is obviously satire i.e. Stephen Colbert. Oh, and that fat bitch at the end 100% heard him.

The NFL Training Camp Guide

August 27, 2010

Although the NFL has 32 teams, these same 9 guys are at EVERY training camp.

1. The Fat Guy

Ohmigod! A lineman listed at 290 pounds showed up closer to 300! Let’s all FREAK OUT! Who could have predicted an incredibly overweight person would gain a few pounds over six months of down time? He needs to drop weight – and FAST! – to show that he is dedicated to his profession and his team.

(Then, once the season starts, he can pack as much weight as he wants to back on because no one will be weighing him so it won’t be an issue. And we need him to control the line of scrimmage. So, please, get heavy again!)

2. The Undrafted Superstar

This guy can run and jump like an Olympic superstar. For some unknown reason, he just didn’t get a lot of playing time in college. It was probably politics. But now he’s in your team’s camp and he’s going to light the NFL world on fire. A good 60-percent of the posts on team message boards are about this amazing prospect.

Oh. Turns out he didn’t play much in college because, while he can run and jump, he kind of … umm … sucks at football.

3. The Late-Round Project

Your team got this guy in the later rounds of the draft and he just has a few rough edges that need some burnishing. He could very well be your team’s missing piece – the one that makes them a legit title contender. Surely all the flaws in his game that weren’t fixed in four years of high school football and four years of college will be fixed in three weeks of training camp. Surely.

4. The White Fan Favorite

This guy is usually a combination between The Late-Round Project and The Undrafted Superstar. Except he’s white. And he probably already has sold 5,000 jerseys. But it’s not so much a racial thing, it’s just that … I don’t know … a lot of fans identify with him somehow.

It could be because chances are he’ll be just like them in a few weeks in that he also won’t be employed as an NFL football player.

5. The Veteran Who Just Wants To Win

This guy has been a featured player in the past when he was younger. But now he just wants to win. That’s why he’s taking a reduced role and less money than he’s ever made. Oddly, this decision on just wanting to win coincided with no NFL team wanting to pay him big money anymore for a featured role.

6. The “Best Shape of My Life” Guy

This player has shown up to camp in “the best shape of my life!” Hey, good for you, fella! Bad news, though – in three weeks, all the other players on the team will also be in the best shape of their lives. Looks like you wasted your offseason when you could have been having fun. Whoops.

7. The Injury Comeback

He missed most or all of last-season with a serious injury. But he’s been rehabbing non-stop in order to get back to where he was. He’s never wanted something so bad in his whole life. And the team has given him their full support. (Except for those three possible replacements they drafted.)

8. The Holdout

What a greedy asshole this guy is. Who cares if the average NFL career lasts four years and many players suffer debilitating injuries? Take what the team is offering and get on the field! We’ve got the Titans in a month!

9. The Player Entering a Contract Year

See that guy running full-speed past everyone else who’s jogging? That’s him.

Feminists

August 13, 2010

I am all for women’s rights, but I fucking can’t stand feminists. I was driving around with my friend and his girlfriend the other day when he simply asked her to make a left turn, then she suddenly flipped out and started bitching about being controlled. Good job moron, I’m sure bull-dyke feminists everywhere are creaming their pants because of your political crusade against oppression, but there are certain times when taking a stand to prove your stupid point is inappropriate. Like when you’re going to MISS THE TURN and make us late to the movie, you dumb bitch!

NFL All Crime Team

August 12, 2010

 

The NFL All-Crimes Team

Sometimes … very rarely … this aggression spills over off the field and results in criminal activity. But very rarely. Like, only five or six times a week.

Yet it’s still enough to fill an entire NFL roster. And a pretty good one, too.

– – – – –

OFFENSE

QB – Ben Roethlisberger (sexual assault)

Sure, there have been good quarterbacks who have actually been charged and convicted of crimes (sit down Art Schlichter, I said “good”… you too Mike Vick, I said “quarterback”) but Roethlisberger has the rare distinction of being the only two-time Super Bowl winner who’s also been accused of sexual assault twice. So he’ll be the placeholder on the team until all the stuff about Tom Brady comes out. And trust us, it’s disgusting. That guy is one deviant freak.

RB – O.J. Simpson (double murder; burglary)

Seriously, if you don’t know why OJ Simpson is on this team, well … then you’re an idiot.

RB – Jamal Lewis (drug dealing)

Like OJ Simpson, Jamal Lewis once ran for 2,000 yards in a season. And like OJ Simpson, Jamal Lewis has spent time in jail — for his 2005 conviction for intent to distribute cocaine. He was also forced to spend time with the Cleveland Browns, though that wasn’t a direct punishment for his crimes.

TE – Mark Chmura (sexual assault)

In 2000, Chmura tried to film the porn version of “Hot Tub Time Machine” at his babysitter’s house. Except only the girls got younger.

WR – Donte’ Stallworth (manslaughter)

In 2009, Stallworth was drunk behind the wheel of his Bentley and ran over a 59-year-old man, killing him. For this, Stallworth was immediately sentenced to 24 years months days in jail. He now plays for the Baltimore Ravens, who are basically the farm system for this team.

WR – Rae Carruth (murder)

Carruth is currently serving a prison sentence of at least 18 years and 11 months. That’s the easy part. Then he has to face Roger Goodell.

OT – Nick Kaczur (drug possession)

Kaczur was nailed in a DEA sting for illegal possession of painkillers and became part of a federal investigation. Also, he’s Canadian. We should have seen it coming.

OG – Nate Newton (drug “possession”)

In 2001, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana. Five weeks later, he was caught with 175 pounds of marijuana. What authorities didn’t know is that Nate Newton was actually a 5-foot-2, 125-pound man who stuffed all that marijuana inside his uniform so he could be an NFL offensive lineman.

OG – Todd Burger (internet gambling)

Nearly 10 years after his playing career — during which he played for the Bears and Jets — Burger was arrested for his role as a debt collector for an illegal gambling ring. He was also charged with being a horrible cliché, a washed-up offensive lineman working as an enforcer for the mob.

OT – Cornell Green (domestic violence)

Cornell Green won a Super Bowl ring in 2002 with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but rather than using that as a weapon, he resorted to hitting the mother of his two children with a mop handle. In Green’s defense, maybe he had just watched “The Toxic Avenger”.

C – Barret Robbins (attempted murder)

Barret Robbins first hit the national radar in 2002 when, days before the Super Bowl, he went missing and ended up in the hospital due to bipolar disorder and depression. That was actually the most normal part of Robbins’ off-field career, which has seen him charged with attempted murder in 2005 — in an incident in which HE was shot 3 times — and a trip to jail for repeated substance abuse violations.

DE – Leonard Little (manslaughter)

In 1998, Little was drunk behind the wheel and killed a woman in a car crash. That’s really bad. But not bad enough that it stopped him from being arrested for DWI in 2004. So, based on the six-year rule, you might want to stay off the roads through the end of the year. Leonard Little wants to get his drink-and-drive on.

DT – Shaun Rogers (gun on plane)

Things you can’t bring on planes in your carry-on luggage: more than three ounces of liquid, box cutters, hammers, loaded .45-caliber handguns. Apparently no one told Shaun Rogers about that last one, because that’s exactly what he had with him at Hopkins International Airport last month. In his defense, he was trying to leave Cleveland so, you know … he’s not a complete idiot.

DT – Tank Johnson (gun possession)

A guy named “Tank” shouldn’t need an arsenal that would make Gilbert Arenas blush, but that’s exactly what was found at his home in 2006 — six firearms, including two assault rifles, many of which were loaded. He also had marijuana in the house, because pot and guns totally go together. You haven’t really smoked weed until you’ve smoked it out of an UZI bong.

DE – Alonzo Spellman (disorderly conduct)

Spellman battled bipolar disorder for most of his career, and in 2002, he had an episode in which he became disruptive on a flight, suggesting it was going to crash and yelling at the passengers. Spellman was convicted of interfering with a flight and ordered to spend 18 months in prison. But what if he was right? Then he saved everyone on that flight. Alonzo Spellman: crazy or national hero?

LB – Lawrence Taylor (rape)

Lawrence Taylor was an incredible football player who also has the distinction of being a cokehead and now possibly a rapist. Still, appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” probably remains the most embarrassing thing in his life.

LB – Ray Lewis (double murder obstruction of justice)

Ray Lewis has no idea what you’re talking about. Ray Lewis has never seen those two people before in his life. What Ray means is he was acting as a peacemaker. Ray didn’t flee the scene. Ray didn’t get rid of his blood-covered clothes. Ray didn’t see anything. Ray would like to dance now. Praise Jesus.

LB – Leroy Hill (domestic violence)

Last month, Hill, who plays for the Seahawks, was arrested for investigation of domestic violence. The team ordered him to stay away from minicamp. What are they thinking? Lawrence Taylor and Ray Lewis won Super Bowls. You NEED a crazy violent linebacker if you’re going to be a championship level team in the NFL. This is why Seattle will never win the Super Bowl. Well, this and the CHEATING REFS!!!

DB – Darryl Henley (cocaine trafficking)

In 1995, Henley, then with the Los Angeles Rams, was charged with cocaine trafficking. In response to these charges, Henley hired contract killers to attempt to kill the trial judge and a key witness. They weren’t killed, but Henley was sentenced to 41 years in prison, or 534 times the sentence Donte’ Stallworth got for actually killing someone..

DB – Pacman Jones (being Pacman Jones)

Did you know Pacman Jones has never actually been convicted of a felony or sentenced to jail time? It’s true. Of course, it’s also true that O.J. Simpson was never convicted of a crime prior to 2008. So make of that what you will.

DB – Jermaine Phillips (domestic assault)

A safety for the Buccaneers, Phillips was part of their Super Bowl winning team in 2002, and earlier this year he was arrested and charged with choking his wife. So Phillips and Green were both on the ’02 Bucs. It seems they were one of the worst Super Bowl champions in history in more ways than one.

DB – Donte Whitner (disorderly conduct)

Whitner is generally considered a bust, as he’s underperformed for most of his career after being selected 8th overall in 2006. That didn’t stop him from partying last month, resulting in a near riot in Cleveland where he had to be subdued with a Taser. Probably by an off-duty Philly cop.

SPECIAL TEAMS

P – Todd Sauerbrun (DUI)

In 2008, Sauerbrun was charged with DUI, and he was arrested last year after missing a court appearance, but that’s not the craziest off-field story of his career. In 2004, he was linked to a steroids investigation in South Carolina. That’s right, a punter, on steroids. The position that requires the least physical strength on the field. But BASEBALL is the sport with the PED problem. Right.

K – Jeff Reed (disorderly conduct)

The easiest way to sum up Jeff Reed’s criminal activity is that he was living an episode of Jersey Shore before that show hit the air. What’s “disorderly conduct” from 2007-2009 is “reality TV hit” in 2010. So I guess Jeff Reed’s real crime is bad timing (well, that and missing a key field goal in Week 3 against the Bengals. That kept the Steelers out of the playoffs and put Ben Roethlisberger on the street. Reed’s an accomplice!).

The Expendables as told by an 8 year old

August 11, 2010

“PEW….PEW….PEW,PEW,PEW.”