Archive for September, 2010

my yankees cap

September 29, 2010


When Jay-Z rapped that he made “the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,” he was touching on an entire industry of impostor fandom, namely people who wear New Era caps just to be fashionable.

Wikipedia notes the high demand for these caps in “urban centers and within the hip hop, emo, hardcore, and skater cultures,” — which is Wikipedia for “black people and kids with tight jeans.”


Dog in Vegas

September 25, 2010


ok Everyone tell me what you think. i’m making a movie called dog in vegas.  It will be a summer blockbuster. Starring a golden retriever named “dog”. He doesn’t talk btw.  So it opens with dog getting kicked out of his house in vegas. At the same time David Spade is being evicted from his house so he tries to win some money at the casino. He ends up winning $1000 which gets blown away in the wind then dog comes across it and takes it to many casinos. He starts winning it big at the super casino. Lots of musical montages like james brown I Feel good and lots of scene’s of dog pushing in poker chips with that puppet paw thing then christiphor walken who is the casino’s manager notices that dog is winning lots of money so he tries to swindel dog out of his money and now David Spade and Christopher Walken are chasing dog from place to place at which point there is a montage of one way or another i’m gonna getcha getcha getcha ya know…that song. and one scene of dog running through a bar top and spilling a drink on Paris Hilton and she lowers her glasses and says hat’s not hot….yeah and uh David Spade and dog end up being pals somehow and stickin’ it to Christopher Walken. so yeah it’s a Disney Film and ya know i’m sure there’s gonna be sequels and stuff like dog in DC but yeah who knows. Tell me what you think?


September 23, 2010

Carolina Panthers rookie quarterback Jimmy Clausen was named the team’s new starter on Monday by head coach John Fox – a move Fox says he immediately regretted.

“Matt Moore wasn’t getting the job done and I thought Jimmy played fairly well in a relief role on Sunday,” said Fox. “But when I told him he was our new starter, his reaction made me realize I handed our team over to a complete douchebag.”

Added Fox: “And I don’t just throw that term around like some people. He is a total douche.”

Continuing: “Really. A huge, massive douchebag.”

Upon being told he was being promoted, Clausen said: “Dude. Niiiiiiiice. Fo’ reals, Foxy? Yo, you da bomb, snowtop! Fo shizzle!” Clausen then closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and pretended to have sex with Fox’s bookshelf for what Fox said “seemed like several minutes.”

Before Fox could take the promotion back, Clausen had gone into the locker room and announced: “I’m the new starter, baby! Can you feel this?”, and then proceeded to try to break dance on the floor, knocking over a trash can in the process.

“Yo, someone pick this shit up! This is yo’ starter talking!” said Clausen. “Cleaning up after me should be your job now, Matt Moore. Or should I say, Matt LESS. BOOM! You are roasted, KID!”

Clausen is listed as questionable on the Panthers injury report for Sunday due to the beating injuries he received from his teammates.

The Squad

September 15, 2010
The 9 Players On Every College Football Team
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Quarterback, running back, linebacker — all positions on every college football team.

Every college football team has these nine players, too.

– – – – –

#1 — The Party Animal

This guy manages to keep his spot in the starting lineup even though every single person on campus has seen him drunk within the last week.  It’s hard to say which of his achievements is more legendary:  his three-sack game against Penn State or the time he drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort during Comm 101 and puked on the professor.  The Party Animal often fills a dual role as the Football Player Who Sleeps Around a Lot, so maybe his actual biggest feat was singlehandedly sparking the Great Chlamydia Outbreak of ’09.  

#2 — The YouTube Sensation

Have a car?  This guy will jump over it.  Got a phone book?  He’ll tear it in half.  He’ll record it all and toss it up on YouTube, where hundreds of thousands of people will watch the video.  One thing they won’t be watching, though:  video of his football highlights.  He doesn’t have any.  Somehow being able to beat a horse in a foot race and grab a quarter off the top of a basketball backboard hasn’t translated into on-field success for this guy.   Oh, well.  He wouldn’t give up even a single “Like” or comment on YouTube for a 12-season NFL career, so he’s happy.  

#3 — The Fan Favorite

 He might not be the best player on the team – in fact, he might be the worst player who makes it onto the field with any regularity – but he “plays the game the right way.”  This walk-on is “all hustle and scrappiness,” and “never gives up on a play.”  Sure he might not “play on Sundays after he graduates,” but fans love this young man’s “enthusiasm and love for the game.”  Oh, and in case you hadn’t already figured it out, this player is almost always “white.”  

#4 — The Backup QB

Let’s make one thing clear:  this guy is awesome.  Totally a stud.  He’s like a cross between Peyton Manning, Dan Marino, Jesus, and Joe Montana.  Some might be skeptical because his only experience in actual games involves holding a clipboard, but you should have seen this guy shred the defense in the spring scrimmage.  No clue why this idiot coaching staff isn’t playing him.  This guy should be starting!  We’d absolutely be 6-0 rather than 1-5 if we had this beast under center rather than that hack of a starter.  What?  We said the same thing about the current starter when he was the backup?  Oh. Right. But this kid is different.  

#5 — The Criminal

This guy has tantalizing skills.  He’s got the speed and the size to make it in the NFL.  Unfortunately he’s also got a rap sheet that would fill several three-ring binders.  Fans and coaches will initially write off his crimes as youthful indiscretions- hey, who among us didn’t dabble in a little armed robbery during college? – but gradually the player’s behavior will become harder to justify.  Before long, fans are saying things like, “Well, sure, they’re calling it ‘kidnapping,’ but it’s not as bad as it sounds.  The so-called victim wasn’t actually a kid at all!”  He’ll eventually get booted off the team and find his true calling on the Bengals’ practice squad.  

#6 — The Coach’s Kid

What this guy lacks in God-given physical abilities he makes up for in football smarts.  While other kids were playing outside or going on dates, this kid has been locked in a dark room “bonding” with his dad analyzing game film for the last 15 years.  As a result, he can’t talk to women or make eye contact with other human beings, but man, does he ever know a lot about pass protection in spread formations! 

Now he trudges out onto the field each week hoping to do something that will make his dad proud.  Instead, he ends up having to run extra laps after blowing a blocking assignment.  Always pick up that blitzing safety!  Jesus, son, you know better.  Disappointing crap like this is what made your mother leave us. 

#7 — The Junior College Transfer

This guy’s 1.8 GPA in high school didn’t qualify to play NCAA football, so he spent two years toiling at a juco before transferring up to play with the big boys.  Now he’s dominating on the field, and announcers and fans are acting like he came out of nowhere.  This perception is false; he came from a school with a total enrollment of 87 students that allowed him to take classes like driver’s ed and intermediate dodgeball to get his grades up.   

#8 — The Kicker

Possibly the easiest player to spot.  Just look for the skinny guy in the tiny pads who’s nervously walking up and down the sidelines muttering “Don’t blow it.  Don’t blow it,” to himself.  Poor kicker.  He thought playing big-time college football would help him make friends and impress the ladies, but little did he know that it would turn him into a social outcast.  If he makes kicks, nobody cares; you’re supposed to make field goals and extra points.  If he misses a big one, though, the entire campus shuns him, and he spends most of the week using a putty knife to scrape dried egg off of his car’s windshield.  Could be worse, though.  He could be that even bigger loser, the punter.  

#9 — The Good Student

Not only does this guy fly around the field making plays, but he also reads at a collegiate level!  He’s the one guy on the team who’s majoring in a real subject like computer science rather than recreation management, and he’s got a 3.8 GPA.  Any time you watch a game, the announcers are going to mention that GPA.  A lot.  If he makes a big play, it’s not the result of his blazing 4.4-second 40-yard dash.  No way.  It’s a result of that 3.8 GPA.  He really “puts the ‘student’ back in ‘student athlete.’” What would be a routine play for any of the other dullards on the team is a “heady, smart play” when the Good Student pulls it off. 

His giant brain makes him a perfect fit for a future head-coaching job … where 90-percent of his team’s fans will think he’s an absolute idiot any time he loses a game.  

Vampire QB

September 12, 2010


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The Jacksonville Jaguars passed over local legend Tim Tebow in the NFL Draft, but they have signed a new player they hope will finally get some fans in the stands at Jacksonville Municipial Stadium: a real vampire.

“Vampires are the biggest thing going right now,” said Jaguars general manager Gene Smith. “My daughter talks constantly about Twilight and True Blood and all those shows. Some people says it’s just because she’s unattractive and unpopular, but so what. We’ll take any fans we can get.”

Lord Randall will start at quarterback over David Garrard on Sunday. While he has no NFL experience, he has played for 110 years in various vampire leagues.

“I am excited for this opportunity,” he said. “My only concern is adjusting to the speed of the NFL game. It’s much slower than the vampire leagues. That and staying out of the sun.”

Smith picked Lord Randall over other options because he expects the quarterback’s looks to help his marketability.

“These vampires are very attractive,” said Smith. “I mean, he’s no Edward, that guy my daughter has on all of her posters, and he may not even be as hot as Tom Brady or Mark Sanchez. But he’s definitely as good looking as that one vampire on True Blood. You know, the one married to that girl in The Piano.”

Smith said he got the idea to sign a vampire from his time as a front office intern with the Arizona Cardinals in the 1980s when they signed the California Raisins.