Quarterback, running back, linebacker — all positions on every college football team.
Every college football team has these nine players, too.
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#1 — The Party Animal
This guy manages to keep his spot in the starting lineup even though every single person on campus has seen him drunk within the last week. It’s hard to say which of his achievements is more legendary: his three-sack game against Penn State or the time he drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort during Comm 101 and puked on the professor. The Party Animal often fills a dual role as the Football Player Who Sleeps Around a Lot, so maybe his actual biggest feat was singlehandedly sparking the Great Chlamydia Outbreak of ’09.
#2 — The YouTube Sensation
Have a car? This guy will jump over it. Got a phone book? He’ll tear it in half. He’ll record it all and toss it up on YouTube, where hundreds of thousands of people will watch the video. One thing they won’t be watching, though: video of his football highlights. He doesn’t have any. Somehow being able to beat a horse in a foot race and grab a quarter off the top of a basketball backboard hasn’t translated into on-field success for this guy. Oh, well. He wouldn’t give up even a single “Like” or comment on YouTube for a 12-season NFL career, so he’s happy.
#3 — The Fan Favorite
He might not be the best player on the team – in fact, he might be the worst player who makes it onto the field with any regularity – but he “plays the game the right way.” This walk-on is “all hustle and scrappiness,” and “never gives up on a play.” Sure he might not “play on Sundays after he graduates,” but fans love this young man’s “enthusiasm and love for the game.” Oh, and in case you hadn’t already figured it out, this player is almost always “white.”
#4 — The Backup QB
Let’s make one thing clear: this guy is awesome. Totally a stud. He’s like a cross between Peyton Manning, Dan Marino, Jesus, and Joe Montana. Some might be skeptical because his only experience in actual games involves holding a clipboard, but you should have seen this guy shred the defense in the spring scrimmage. No clue why this idiot coaching staff isn’t playing him. This guy should be starting! We’d absolutely be 6-0 rather than 1-5 if we had this beast under center rather than that hack of a starter. What? We said the same thing about the current starter when he was the backup? Oh. Right. But this kid is different.
#5 — The Criminal
This guy has tantalizing skills. He’s got the speed and the size to make it in the NFL. Unfortunately he’s also got a rap sheet that would fill several three-ring binders. Fans and coaches will initially write off his crimes as youthful indiscretions- hey, who among us didn’t dabble in a little armed robbery during college? – but gradually the player’s behavior will become harder to justify. Before long, fans are saying things like, “Well, sure, they’re calling it ‘kidnapping,’ but it’s not as bad as it sounds. The so-called victim wasn’t actually a kid at all!” He’ll eventually get booted off the team and find his true calling on the Bengals’ practice squad.
#6 — The Coach’s Kid
What this guy lacks in God-given physical abilities he makes up for in football smarts. While other kids were playing outside or going on dates, this kid has been locked in a dark room “bonding” with his dad analyzing game film for the last 15 years. As a result, he can’t talk to women or make eye contact with other human beings, but man, does he ever know a lot about pass protection in spread formations!
Now he trudges out onto the field each week hoping to do something that will make his dad proud. Instead, he ends up having to run extra laps after blowing a blocking assignment. Always pick up that blitzing safety! Jesus, son, you know better. Disappointing crap like this is what made your mother leave us.
#7 — The Junior College Transfer
This guy’s 1.8 GPA in high school didn’t qualify to play NCAA football, so he spent two years toiling at a juco before transferring up to play with the big boys. Now he’s dominating on the field, and announcers and fans are acting like he came out of nowhere. This perception is false; he came from a school with a total enrollment of 87 students that allowed him to take classes like driver’s ed and intermediate dodgeball to get his grades up.
#8 — The Kicker
Possibly the easiest player to spot. Just look for the skinny guy in the tiny pads who’s nervously walking up and down the sidelines muttering “Don’t blow it. Don’t blow it,” to himself. Poor kicker. He thought playing big-time college football would help him make friends and impress the ladies, but little did he know that it would turn him into a social outcast. If he makes kicks, nobody cares; you’re supposed to make field goals and extra points. If he misses a big one, though, the entire campus shuns him, and he spends most of the week using a putty knife to scrape dried egg off of his car’s windshield. Could be worse, though. He could be that even bigger loser, the punter.
#9 — The Good Student
Not only does this guy fly around the field making plays, but he also reads at a collegiate level! He’s the one guy on the team who’s majoring in a real subject like computer science rather than recreation management, and he’s got a 3.8 GPA. Any time you watch a game, the announcers are going to mention that GPA. A lot. If he makes a big play, it’s not the result of his blazing 4.4-second 40-yard dash. No way. It’s a result of that 3.8 GPA. He really “puts the ‘student’ back in ‘student athlete.’” What would be a routine play for any of the other dullards on the team is a “heady, smart play” when the Good Student pulls it off.
His giant brain makes him a perfect fit for a future head-coaching job … where 90-percent of his team’s fans will think he’s an absolute idiot any time he loses a game.