Carolina Panthers rookie quarterback Jimmy Clausen was named the team’s new starter on Monday by head coach John Fox – a move Fox says he immediately regretted.

“Matt Moore wasn’t getting the job done and I thought Jimmy played fairly well in a relief role on Sunday,” said Fox. “But when I told him he was our new starter, his reaction made me realize I handed our team over to a complete douchebag.”

Added Fox: “And I don’t just throw that term around like some people. He is a total douche.”

Continuing: “Really. A huge, massive douchebag.”

Upon being told he was being promoted, Clausen said: “Dude. Niiiiiiiice. Fo’ reals, Foxy? Yo, you da bomb, snowtop! Fo shizzle!” Clausen then closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and pretended to have sex with Fox’s bookshelf for what Fox said “seemed like several minutes.”

Before Fox could take the promotion back, Clausen had gone into the locker room and announced: “I’m the new starter, baby! Can you feel this?”, and then proceeded to try to break dance on the floor, knocking over a trash can in the process.

“Yo, someone pick this shit up! This is yo’ starter talking!” said Clausen. “Cleaning up after me should be your job now, Matt Moore. Or should I say, Matt LESS. BOOM! You are roasted, KID!”

Clausen is listed as questionable on the Panthers injury report for Sunday due to the beating injuries he received from his teammates.


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