Never Been Kissed is Fucked Up?

www.cracked.com

Drew Barrymore (again) is a 25-year-old journalist who has to pretend to be a high school student in order to research a story. While in school, she falls in love with a teacher, Sam, who can’t show his feelings toward her because he thinks she’s a teenage student and he doesn’t want to go to jail.

After she comes out and tells the truth, Barrymore writes a column in her newspaper declaring her love for the teacher.


“So you’re not really a teenager? Wow, that’s a boner killer.”

Brave and spunky, she stands on a baseball field in front of the entire town, waiting for him to come give her her first kiss before the game starts.

So What’s the Problem?

Sam shows up a little late, because he’s in the process of getting the hell out of town in the wake of his ruined teaching career. You know, because of the whole falling in love with a student thing. He was probably looking over his shoulder constantly, convinced everyone who walked by could read his tormented mind like some ephebophilia Garfield thought balloon.

It’s bad enough that she tricked him into thinking she was a student while openly flirting with him at every opportunity. But after she finally tells him the truth, she puts the whole thing in the fucking newspaper, essentially announcing to the community that Sam is a burgeoning sexual predator who falls in love with his teenage students. Remember, he didn’t know she was 25 — it was basically a To Catch a Predator setup.


This is just blatant honey trapping.

And if for some reason a lynch mob hasn’t already smashed his dick with a toaster and set his car on fire, Drew’s baseball-field stunt has made it virtually impossible for him not to show up. If he skips town, he’ll go down in local history as the douchebag who broke the heart of sweet and adorably earnest Drew Barrymore.

So really, Sam is left with no choice but to publicly declare his love for a girl that everyone thought was underage until like three days ago, essentially destroying his chances of ever teaching another class for the rest of his life.


While she writes an amazing story and dumps him after getting a Pulitzer.

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