Elizabeth Smart’s New Job?

esmartAP

Kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart will take up a role as a contributor for ABC News, The Daily Beast reported late Wednesday.  Smart, 23, is expected to serve as an expert on a number of the network’s shows, including “Good Morning America” and “Nightline.”  “This is definitely not about looking backward and telling her story, which has been well told and retold,” ABC spokeswoman Julie Townsend said of Smart’s role.

Instead, Smart will be “helping viewers understand missing-persons stories from the perspective of knowing what a family experiences when a loved one goes missing.”  She said Smart will appear “when there are missing children or missing-person cases in the news.”  For those of you who don’t know who Elizabth Smart is.  I envy your ignorance.  She was that 14 year old:

Who was stolen by this guy:

The nut job who kidnapped her calls himself “Emmanuel,” and I have to give him credit because Emmanuel is a much more compelling name for a cult leader than “Brian.”  After he became a suspect, his stepson was quoted as saying “Emmanuel is capable of kidnapping a child.”

This begs the question: who isn’t capable of kidnapping a child?  I mean, how much effort could it take?  Kids are stupid, just look at how many of them die in fires every year.  Who the hell dies in a fire?  How fast does the flame move anyway?  Every time I burn my brother’s toys, it takes an eternity for the flames to spread.  A common house fire spreads about half a mile per hour. Oh no, a fire? Jump through the flames you pussy.  If you don’t make it everyone’s going to think you’re a dumbass anyway, so you might as well try. Besides, think how cool it would be if you ran out of the building screaming while you were on fire.  Holy shit that would rule, chicks would be humping you left and right (assuming the burns don’t scar your junk).

When Elizabeth Smart was finally “freed,” her father appeared on TV giving one blubbering speech after another saying “I don’t know what she’s gone through and I’m sure she’s been through hell.”  I don’t think he was referring to the pictures of Elizabeth hanging out at parties circulating on the Internet, the video of her having a picnic at a park, or the hippy drum circle she was spotted at when he referred to “hell.”

So to help other children in the future, I’ve put together a list of  things that Elizabeth Smart could’ve done to escape her captors.ings Elizabeth could have done to escape her captors: 
1) Walked Away. It turns out that Elizabeth was held at knife-point and was as close as 10 minutes away from her home at times throughout her 9-month ordeal.  Here’s an idea: walk home.  Or if you’re a gimp, change “walk” to “hobble” and the same rules apply.

2) Don’t use wigs, sunglasses, and phony accents.  If you’re trying to break free, cut the bullshit and remove the disguise when you’re in public. If your captor walks away from you at a party and starts drinking beer, it’s a pretty safe bet he’s not a prophet. What are you clinging onto?

3) Don’t hang out at parties.  Police have said that he took her to restaurants and on buses. They even went to a party in Utah where her face was covered by a veil. Why didn’t she grab somebody at that party and say, “I’m Elizabeth Smart”?  It kind of blows the credibility of the whole kidnapping story if you’re seen at a party.  Next thing you know you have to make up some crazy shit about being brainwashed.
4) Anything.   Almost a year before Elizabeth Smart was found, there was a 7 year old girl named Erica Pratt who was kidnapped, bound with duct tape around her arms, legs and eyes, and left in the basement of a building:

Did she lie back and take it?  Hell no.  She broke a window, gnawed through her duct tape, and escaped.  She was back home the next day before her parents could enjoy the solitude of having one less kid around, and she was only 7 years old.

So keep these pointers in mind if you’re ever kidnapped and you’ll turn up at a party somewhere.  Or a glove compartment.

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22 Responses to “Elizabeth Smart’s New Job?”

  1. Katherine Says:

    Obviously your an idiot, have you ever heard of stockholm syndrome? It’s a very real psychological problem where the captors feel that the only way to stay alive is to cooperate with your kidnappers. When idnappers stop abusing the victim when they comply, it makes the victim think that is the only way to survive especially if you see no way out. This phenomenon doesn’t just happen out of the blue, it happens a lot with victims kidnapped. Your thoughts begin to be irrational and you truly believe that if you cooperate with your kidnapper you will get to live. If you are brainwashed like this for so long, nothing of what you thought was normal is normal. You also have to consider that the victim was a child…how do you think a child would handle that situation, especially if the stockholm syndrome happens to adults as well?
    Please read books and be educated before you make judgements on how people should react.

  2. themadchuck Says:

    woah, woah, woah. What it with the insults buddy.

  3. Jennifer Says:

    i read this very text on the website: “the bestwebsiteintheworld or something. who copied who?
    but the most important bit is: how can possibly someone say such things? you clearly are shallow, stupid and absolutely disrespectful. even ADULTS die in fires because it’s not the fire that goes slow, it’s the ssmoke that SUFFOCATES you. oh, and before you can say: if you see smoke you could run, no, ypu CAN’T, because you loose consciousness before you realise.
    and for this girl, try being a little girl, whose height is half the kidnapper’s and weight similarly. try being told: if you escape i will kill your family. try being there and knowing that everything depends on your behaviour. she was LITTLE, for god’s sake.
    you are a bit upstet coz the previous commenter insulted?
    you just insulted this girl.
    you should be ASHAMED of what you wrote.
    YOU DOUCHEBAG

  4. Nate Madsen Says:

    Worst article ever.

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  8. angela Says:

    You are an idiot. Please tell me you are not breeding. People like you deserve to go thru an abduction to see how awesome you would handle it. Karma, jackass, karma.

  9. Mieko Says:

    Please you guys don’t get upset at this piece of crap who wrote this article, it’s whole point of writing this garbage is to garner our attention and get hits to its failed, vile article… Karma is a m’effer. Let’s just pray that the idiot who wrote this will never experience someone it loves going thru the horrifying atrocities that Ms. Smart did. The only idiot here is the brainless, clueless jack-ass who wrote this garbage…

  10. Isabel Pedrosa Says:

    É mesmo pobrezinho e pequenininho a pessoa que escreveu isto. Idiota mais idiota não pode haver!

  11. Isamarasaurus-Rex Says:

    You suck…but LOL I see your point, but not everyone is strong enough to stay “sane” and in contact with the “real world”. All she had was THEM so she was easily brainwashed. …even if she is SMILING in some pictures taken during her “captivity”…Some people are not able to cope with everything taking place…

    now… how did I get here…back to Youtube 😀 BYE!

    • themadchuck Says:

      She’s retarded.

      • Jack Says:

        She is retarded, seriously. My wife has her audio book and she tells a story about being in a library. A homicide cop walks up and asks the guy to see under her Veil, because she might be the girl who was kidnapped a couple months earlier. She kept her mouth shut and let a cop walk away. Either she ran away with the nasty assed nut job or Stockholm Syndrome really means dumb as a box of rocks.

        I know I was smart enough to tell my son when he was little, that if anybody did anything to him and told him that if he told anyone they would kill us, I said that you don’t have to worry about that, and that they are lying and he just needs to tell me and I would kill them. I told him that multiple times and he knows I meant it.

  12. Sexy Biker Man Says:

    You know when you masterbate your having sex with a male. That makes you a homo!

  13. fang Says:

    Are you in the Tea Party? You dumb idiot!

  14. John Says:

    you’re obviously an idiot

  15. Joe Says:

    Dumbest article on the Internet. Given the size of the Internet and the sheer number of dumb articles, that is REALLY saying something.

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