The 12 Different Sports Media Analysts

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#1 – The Local Legend

No one outside of your local market has ever heard this guy’s name, but thanks to a big play he made in the 1974 playoffs, he’s got a job for life providing color commentary and analysis for the home team. Which is too bad. You’d happily trade that old-timey title for someone with competence in the booth.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “You know, this reminds me a lot of 1974 when I helped make history. Except not as special.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Appearing at every memorabilia show in the tri-state area.

#2 – The Hot Sideline Reporter

Everyone knows the only reason she got her job is because she’s nice to look at. Is that the true reason she got her job? Maybe, maybe not. But the average fan sees her as nothing more than eye candy no matter what she says or does, so any time spent trying to be a real journalist is a waste of time. Her beauty is her blessing and her curse.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “That home run almost went as deep as my cleavage.”

Job If She Wasn’t Doing This: Like, ohmigod, you guys! She totally can’t imagine doing anything else! [Married to a player.]

#3 – The Homely Sideline Reporter

Her homeliness gives her instant credibility. Everyone knows she didn’t get her job because of her looks, so she must be some kind of reporting genius! Is she really? Who knows. What we do know is that is definitely a hairy mole on her cheek.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Last night I interviewed the coach because I didn’t have a date, like normal.”

Job If She Wasn’t Doing This: Cat lady.

#4 – The National Legend

He’s on every list of the all-time greats in the game. So when he spouts catchphrases and obvious, conventional wisdom, it doesn’t matter because it’s a HALL OF FAMER SPOUTING CATCHPHRASES AND OBVIOUS, CONVENTIONAL WISDOM! This is Hall of Fame-quality idiocy you’re getting!

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Teams need role players, but you can’t win it all without stars. Trust me. That’s how it was when we won in 1974.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Failed coach and/or failed restaurant/car dealership owner.

#5 — The Writer

His natural habitat is behind a keyboard, not in front of a camera. But he has some reporting chops and the TV folks thought they’d give him a try on television. When not covered in flop sweat or having his voice crack due to late onset puberty, he nearly does a passable job.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Are we live or can we shoot that part again? Because I just wet my pants.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: He has one. Please, someone put him out of his misery and let him go back to being a writer only.

#6 — The Old Veteran

Maybe he was once great, maybe not. But he’s been around forever and there’s no way to get rid of him now. Firing him would be too big of a PR nightmare. He’s got the job until death.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “And there’s another made dunk shot by Stan Musial.” (while calling a touchdown run)

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Putting away the shuffleboard equipment at the end of the day after his fellow retirement home residents are done playing.

#7 — The Desperately Hip Guy

He’s pushing 50, but he’s down with the def mojo of the times! He’s got hair dye, a Twitter account, dated rap references and lots of creepy comments about females half his age. Many people hate him, but he’s oblivious to that because the only thing he has less of than hair is self-awareness. Get down with O.P.P.!

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: Everything he says is an attempted catchphrase. U can’t touch this, fo-shizzle!

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: High school English teacher … 2 da max!

#8 — The Funny/Outrageous Guy

Often an ex-jock who was known for his wacky hijinks during his playing days, now he’s been unleashed on nightly television and the viewing audience feels like they’ve been kidnapped and taken to the Catskills. What are the kidnapper’s demands? A suitcase full of unmarked puns!

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: To lame to even share.

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Performing at the Chuckle Hut on July 19th and 21st, featuring his shaving cream pie and hot foot-based props!

#9 — The Homer

He sees the world in black and white. On the good side is the home team. On the bad side is everyone else. Everyone is out to get us!

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Well, the good guys lost 10-0 today, but it’s hard to win when the umps are working for the other team.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: In his basement bunker, working on his blog full of conspiracy theories.

#10 — The Confrontational Artist

He’ll say whatever needs to be said in order to get himself some attention. If there’s a chance for him to go against conventional wisdom, he’ll take it.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Only an idiot was rooting for the U.S. hockey team against the Soviets in 1980 and here’s why …”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Cable news talk show host.

#11 — The Promo Guy

The league barely needs a PR department with him around. Every coach is a genius, every player is All-Star caliber and the game you’re currently watching? Yeah, it’s all all-time classic.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “I know I’d happily have Jake Delhomme quarterback my team any day.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: A politician’s press secretary.

#12 — The Craftsman

He never puts himself above the game. His descriptions of the game are subtle yet evocative. He doesn’t try to create media controversies. And he puts events in their proper context, without resorting to hyperbole. In short, he’s everything a sports TV personality should strive to be.

Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Viewers, I regret to inform you that today is my last night on the job. My contract has not been renewed.”

Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: About to find out.

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