Metro – Police are on the hunt for a puny perv who appears to be lurking on the Upper East Side. A man who stands 4 feet, 11 inches tall and weighs only 120 pounds is wanted for groping up to seven different women in the past six months, police said. His most recent victim was a 29-year-old woman, who he allegedly attacked Saturday as she entered her apartment building at 5:30 a.m. The suspect grabbed her and threw her to the ground, reaching under her dress to touch her before fleeing, according to police. Police say the suspect often approaches women from behind. Since Jan. 5, the man has been targeting women between the ages of 25 and 31, police said. He singles them out in the late evening and early morning hours, reaches under their dresses and fondles them. On Saturday, June 11, the suspect approached a woman walking up the stairs, lifted her skirt and spanked her, police said. The serial groper is said to be a Hispanic man between 25 and 30 years old and has black hair. Police are offering a $2,000 reward for information that leads to his arrest.
You know my first thought when I saw this was that the ladies of New York City need to step up their game. Dude is no bigger than a fucking 5th grader. Like where’s Jeff Foxworthy when you need him? Are you bigger than a 5th grader? No? Then you shouldn’t be able to get away with spanking bitches on the staircase.
But then when you think about it, at 4 foot 11 Hispanic guy is pretty much like a high flying luchador. This Puny Perv could very well be like the Rey Mysterio Jr. of groping women. He probably utilizes his speed and agility while incorporating high flying attacks into his repertoire of butt smacking and titty grabbing. I mean Rey Mysterio was a giant killer. Dude took down Kevin Nash. Doesn’t matter how big or small you are. If you capitalize on your talents anything can happen.
So maybe Puny Perv has learned to embrace his small stature. Maybe he just plays small ball and grabs a boob here and there and lifts a skirt every other Tuesday instead of going in for your more traditional, powerful molestation. He’s like David Eckstein. Just a pest that you can’t seem to get out. Except instead of retiring a batter in a game of baseball we’re talking about a mini-rapist who can’t be stopped from unwanted touching.