Archive for August, 2011

Outlawz Smoked Tupac?

August 26, 2011

This is pretty much the plot to How High, only except for Pac reappearing and giving these guys all the right answers on the SATs, he gave them the power to never be famous. Kind of a dick move on 2Pac’s part, but I guess he was always kinda self-centered.

I don’t know if I’m buying this story. Like if I ever smoked anybody’s ashes, (which I couldn’t even think of a possibile scenario where this would happen), I wouldn’t tell anyone. Like that’s the type of shit that you take to the grave. Also how about what they did before they smoked Pac. Weed, chicken wings, and orange soda? Shoulda Thanks for setting us back another 30 years, my dude.

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White Michael Vick?

August 25, 2011

 This was posted on espn.com.  Are you shitting me, ESPN?  What point are you trying to get across with this pasty-ass photoshopped, whitewashed, picture of Michael Vick.  He looks like a brother of one of the girls from White Chicks.  I’m sorry but the world is not ready for a blue eyed Vick. 

But honestly I can’t stop staring at this thing. Partly because it looks absolutely ridiculous, but mostly because I know a guy that looks just like this. Is my friend the white Michael Vick? I think my friend is the white Michael Vick.

My brain just blew up in my skull.

UPDATE: ESPN removed the whiteface Vick picture. Probably because it was stupid.
UPDATEUPDATE: Kevin Love? Everlast? Goatee Tebow? David Wright? Who else?
UPDATE^3: We have a winner. Brian Austin Green. Thanks for playing.

Fuck a white Michael Vick.  I prefer a black Tom Brady.

Gangsta Mullet?

August 25, 2011

This is incredible. Completely speechless right now. “Business in the front, gangsta in the back.” I ain’t never see a thug mullet before, and you know what, I think I just found my new hairstyle.

It might take a few months to grow the back of my hair long enough to pull off getting it rowed, but all good things are worth waiting for. This shit is so fantastically hood it’s not even funny. I say laid. No way chicks aren’t swimming in their panties after rubbing their hands through the smooth yet textured skull of this business-smart young man. Smart phone? Check. Tie? Check. Secret back-of-the-head cornrows? Checkmate.

PS – Totally reminds me of the great Jerry Rice. Ahead of his time on the field and ahead of his time with the hair game. JRoll and McNabb came close, but they couldn’t touch what Jerry did.

12 Year Old Delivers Baby?

August 24, 2011

VANCOUVER, British Columbia, Aug. 23 (UPI)A 12-year-old Canadian boy says he was able to adroitly help deliver his baby brother because he watched “a bunch of medical shows” on television. Danielle Edwards of Campbell River says she woke up “in hard labor” about 2 a.m. Saturday and realized she wasn’t going to make it to a hospital, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported Tuesday. “I couldn’t even get up. I was already in the process of pushing,” she told the news network. “There was nothing I could do.” Her son Gaelen was awakened by her calls for help and when the 12-year-old walked into her bedroom he saw the baby coming out of her womb. “I grabbed him by the shoulders and his head was resting on my wrists,” he said. “Then I gently pulled him out and laid him on the bed.” Next, he went to the kitchen to grab scissors to cut the umbilical cord. He clamped off the cord and cut it himself, the CBC said. How did he know what to do? “I watch a bunch of medical [TV] shows,” Gaelen explained. The boys’ father, Kendall Strong, called his older son a hero. “He saved his brother’s life,” Strong said. “He was calm. He didn’t freak out. It was awesome.” The mother and newborn were then taken to the hospital where both were doing fine. The baby weighed in at 7 pounds, 9 ounces.

Ummmm. This is the most disgusting story I’ve ever heard. Legitimately I almost threw up.  I sincerely hope the newborn baby is healthy and stable because your 12 year old is FUCKED. I don’t care what they say about him watching medical shows and being a hero, if you put your hands all up in your mother’s womb and pull out your brother covered in mom placenta, you are gonna be mentally unstable to a spectacular degree.

I don’t even like seeing my mom’s underwear in the laundry. I can’t even move her delicates from the washer to the dryer without getting a little queasy. Imagine chopping the umbilical cord and clamping off her disgusting outtie belly button?  I don’t care how many episodes of Rescue 911 you’ve watched, if you’ve seen a human squeeze through your mother’s vagina you have a zero percent chance of being a normal person.

Good luck having a normal sex life, Gaelan. Every pussy you ever see for the rest of your life will trigger the memory of your brother’s head crowning. That ain’t right, man. It just ain’t right.

The New 9/11?

August 24, 2011

Eastcoast Earthquake?

August 23, 2011

Philly.com

I cannot begin to describe to you how hard I’ve been laughing all day. Like I’ve completely lost all control of myself. Cannot even function. And these distressed black chicks falling to their knees on Philly.com was the knockout blow. Brought me to my knees, ref counted to 10 before I could get back to my feet. The Great Earthquake of 8/23 wins, I give up.

Uniform Watch: Maryland 2011-2012

August 23, 2011

Actually, Maryland’s new turtle-themed helmets are supposed to look like thatMaryland made plenty of … let’s say, interesting decisions about its new uniforms, beginning with the mock fashion show it put on Monday night for assorted media and boosters to unveil roughly half of the 32 possible combinations of black, white, red and yellow at the Terrapins’ disposal this fall. I’m down with the Black-Black-Red, Black-Black-Yellow and Black-Red-Black (above) looks, personally, although I kind of liked it better when Grambling did it. (See a full photo gallery here.)

Actually, Maryland has already employed most of those combinations and maybe a few more in the course of more than a dozen redesigns over the last 50 years, although never all of them at once. But wait a second, can we get a closer look at that white helmet?

Actually, Maryland’s new turtle-themed helmets are supposed to look like that

Chris Brown Pwned?

August 23, 2011

Is this how you Rob a Liquor Store?

August 22, 2011

MANCHESTEROne of two young women wearing blue body suits and rubber masks told police Wednesday that she and her friend were only joking when they ordered a package store clerk to open the cash drawer, according to a police report obtained Friday. The pair — Arlena Clark, 23, and Megan Callahan, 21 — entered M & J Wines and Liquors on West Middle Turnpike on Wednesday at about 5:30 p.m., police said. A man who had seen them go in thought their all-blue clothing and character masks from the movie “Saw” were “very suspicious” and called police, the report said. The liquor store clerk told police that one of the women said, “This is a stick-up,” and ordered him to open the cash drawer. The clerk yelled at the two and told them to remove their masks or leave, police said. They took off the masks and the clerk identified Clark, a customer he knew, “who told him it was just a joke,” the police report said. Clark, who is homeless, told police they were wearing the blue costumes “to mess around because they were bored,” the report said. Clark acknowledged telling the clerk that she was robbing the store, but said it was only a joke, police said. She and Callahan, of 22 Cumberland St., Manchester, were both arrested. Both were charged with conspiracy to commit third-degree robbery, attempted third-degree robbery and breach of peace. Both were held on bail of $25,000 each for apperances in Superior Court in Manchester on Tuesday.

Heavens to Betsy. Someone tell Bee-Bop and Rock Steady they don’t need masks when they go to rob that place. Goodness gracious. These bitches are as homely as the day is long.

Which begs the question, gun to your head, who would you rather? The brunette is downright rugged. But the blond looks like a dude. Looks like she’s got a full blown mustache, a receding hairline and her chin that blends perfectly into her neck like an offensive lineman. She looks like she belongs in the Mangold family. Either as a girl or a boy.

Brunette looks like something straight out of an episode of Rosanne. You know what I mean? Shes just the epitome of white trash. Probably does Crystal Meth for breakfast lunch and dinner.

The deal breaker here is obviously the homelessness. The brunette hasn’t showered or shaved or cleaned herself in God knows how long. She’s been sleeping on the streets with the pigeons and the rats. Nobody wants a homeless girl on their resume. We can all look past a a fat chick or an ugly chick. Some old broad or a minority. But nobody and I mean nobody wants to have to admit they fucked a homeless chick. I wonder what the that Mangold chick is even doing hanging out with a homeless broad. Who has homeless friends? When I was a kid I felt weird having friends with divorced parents, let alone vagrants.

Machinegun Preacher?

August 21, 2011

(Tosh.0)

5. The title. OBVIOUSLY THE TITLE.

4. The stock photo African orphan. Can he save them? Will he save them? Hopefully he has 10 cents a day.

3. The fact that it stars Gerard Butler. Here are the last three movies I saw starring Gerard Butler:

Case closed.

2. The title. Did I already say that? It’s just such a great title.

1. The tagline. It’s a bummer that “IT’S A JOB. IT ISN’T PERSONAL. WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE…” was taken. But “HOPE IS THE GREATEST WEAPON OF ALL” will certainly do.