Archive for September, 2011

Robert Stephens from George Washington Law is Absurd?

September 30, 2011

Have you ever seen someone trying so hard to get arrested? Dude stands there with his hands behind his head and his back for like 20 minutes and the Cops just don’t give a shit. Dude is just begging to get taken away and nobody even gives a fuck.

Hey Robert Stephens with a PH, you’re in law school at George Washington. Your parents have Ph.Ds and masters degrees. There’s about a billion people in this world who would kill to be you. And they sure as shit would do more with their time than throwing hissy fits in the middle of the day crying for attention.

PS – Lets cut the shit with this “Civil Disobedience.” You’re not MLK. You’re just an attention whore.

Chris Christie for President?

September 30, 2011

GothamistThis year Chris Christie has gone from constantly denying any interest in running for President in 2012 to flirting with the idea to denying any interest while clearly showing intrest to being actively courted by the GOP. Is America ready for an overweight presidential candidate? We may soon find out! For once non-News Corp. sources are now also saying he’s seriously mulling a run while he gives a talking tour around the country. But if he is going to make a bid, he doesn’t have much time

I don’t know shit about politics. All I know is that Chris Christie is a man of the people. He calls Boomer and Carton on WFAN. He hates everyone from the Jersey Shore. He takes helicopters to Little League games to watch his son play. And he’s fatter than motherfucker.

Now thats some shit I can relate to. I mean I love WFAN. Hate guidos. I take expensive and superfluous helicopter rides to non-important events. And while I’m not fat I’m certainly well on my way. We’re like the same dude. I bet he hates hipsters too. No fuckin way he would stand for this #OccupyWallStreet bullshit. He’s the common man. What do I have in common with Obama? Fuckin nothing man. Apparently we weren’t even born in the same country or some shit.

Teacher Sex Scandal?

September 29, 2011

ChicagoA woman who taught at East Aurora High School has been charged with sexual exploitation of a child after allegedly sending inappropriate photos of herself via text message to a 15-year-old boy who attended the school. Police received a tip on Sept. 19 suggesting that Kelly K. Miller, 32, a science teacher at East Aurora, had ‘sexted’ explicit photos to one of her male students in late May or June 2011.

www.barstoolsports.com

Wait.  This is it?  This is all you got, Kelly?  We’re dying over here.  We’re the laughingstocks of the sports world.  We haven’t won a championship in months and won’t win another until February.  We also haven’t had a Teacher Sex Scandal in weeks and we’re starving for some  hijinks to take our minds off our woes.  And this is the best you can do?  Dirty text messages?  That’s nothing.  Hell, kids have a section on their SATs that’s nothing but questions about sexts they’ve gotten from teachers.  Where’s the follow up?  Getting caught in naked in your car?  Boning the kid in the classroom.  The old “oral sodomy” charges?  We appreciate the effort and all, but we’re gonna need more if we’re ever going to snap out of this funk.  Thanks anyway.

The Grades:
Looks:
She looks like the neighbor with a baby on her hip that gets interviewed on the local news every time someone gets murdered in a shitty neighborhood.  Grade: C.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: It’s one of the major rules of Sex Scandal Teachering: Text messages are foreplay.  They’re for setting up the actual sex, only.  Stopping at cellphone porn is for Junior High kids, not pros.  Grade: D.
Intangibles: Anatomy.  Technology.  Radio waves.  Electricity.  There’s a science lesson in every text.  Education shouldn’t stop at the classroom door.  Grade: B.
Overall:  C. Like the Red Sox: Just not good enough.

Abusing her Boyfriend?

September 28, 2011

SEPTEMBER 27-“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?”  That’s what Melissa Minarsich said to police last night when they arrived at her Iowa City home in response to a call of a “female out of control.” As detailed by Minarsich, 28, she got into an altercation with her boyfriend “because he would not have sex with her.” Which prompted Minarsich’s pointed remark to cops about her desire for “ass.” According to a criminal complaint, Minarsich smelled of booze and had slurred speech when interviewed by Iowa City Police Department officers. Her boyfriend–with whom she has an eight-month-old child–told cops when he told Minarsich “he wouldn’t sleep with her she became upset and swung at him.” Minarsich “landed a couple of blows,” but the man was not injured, police noted.

I think I’d rather get repeatedly punched in the face and gain the reputation as the nancy man who got abused by his girlfriend then stick my dick in this ghoul. Look at this broad. She looks like a banshee addicted to meth. You want a piece of ass, Melissa? Maybe ditch the permanent black eyes and the discolored skin that gives you the appearance of a zombie? Maybe go boil some denim underneath the bridge and you’ll find someone who will throw you a bone.

Lunatic Gay Porn Actor?

September 23, 2011

 

NYCA former gay porn star tried to kill his girlfriend by beating her over the head with a porcelain toilet tank lid. Ryan Idol, whose original name was Marc Anthony Donais, rose to fame in the 1990s and featured as a Playgirl centrefold and a string of adult films. He moved in with the 41-year-old woman a number of years ago but flew into a jealous rage and tried to kill her at their condominium in Sacramento… Idol’s appearance in February 1989 in the Playgirl magazine raised his profile within the gay adult porn industry and he starred in eight films between 1990 and 1996.But the porn career fizzled out and he attempted an acting career in Broadway before retraining as a chef. The woman, who has not been identified, said she had been in an on-off relationship with Idol since the 1990s. Former career: Idol posing for an adult gay magazine in the 1990s Former career: Idol posing for an adult gay magazine in the 1990s They initially split after she discovered Idol’s career as a gay porn star but rekindled a serious relationship in 2008 after looking him up in New York where he was working in Broadway. The pair moved in to a condominium that was bought by one of Idol male lovers. But the man later moved in with them and she caught Idol having sex. The woman said that a couple of days after the incident she had been in the bath at a different home when Idol visited… ‘He came in and he started beating me with his fists. When he took the lid off the toilet thought, ”Oh, my God, I’m not going to live.” And I looked down because I didn’t want him to smash it on my face, and he smashed it on my head.’ A struggle ensued before the woman fled into the street and called the police

It’s the classic love story.  Boy meets girl.  Girl finds out boy used to have sex with other boys in movies.  Boy loses girl.  Girl looks up boy.  Girl gets boy.  Boy has sex with another boy and loses girl.  Boy gets drunk over poker game goes to girl’s house and smashes her in the head with toilet seat lid and sends girl running naked into the streets.  I’m not familiar with Mr. Idol’s work… not that there’s anything wrong with it… but did early 90′s gay porn movies have plots?  Because this would be perfect for one.  Working title: “Queer and Present Danger.”  Anyway, Ryan Idol looks exactly like an old out-of-work porn actor should, right down to the orgy hair and the orgy clothes and the mustache and chains.  And while we don’t like our ex-gay porn actors smacking girls around, here’s hoping they work things out because it sounds like they’re meant for each other.

How Come You Ain’t Never Liked Me?

September 23, 2011

James Earl Jones and Denzel Washington act out the same scene in the play fences. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to go with James Earl Jones in this one.

The ATL Twins?

September 23, 2011

Vice.com – Yesterday I was in my hotel room in Atlanta iChatting about my son’s teething with my wife when my roommate, Jonathan Mehring, came in and said, “We just met these ganster ass twins who sleep in the same bed and only fuck the same girl.” I said goodbye to my wife, put on my shoes, and told Jonathan, “Take me to them.” The short of it is they share the same bed, wear matching outfits, only fuck the same girls, were both engaged to the same Penthouse Pet, and are both looking forward to marrying the same woman and fathering the same child. The long of it is they are the most unique twins I’ve ever come across and a psychologist’s wet dream. I plan on flying back to Atlanta very soon to shoot a documentary on them. They are so amazing and their story is so tweaked, that this interview was only able to scratch the surface.

The Atlanta Twins: Where do you want to start? We got a crazy fucking story, man. We were born in Chattanooga, Tennessee. It’s a slum fuck, white trash, black ghetto neighborhood. We grew up on food stamps—super trife. When we were younger we were into gnarly death metal. We started skating when we were 12. Want to know how we lost our virginity? When we were 13 years old we’d tell our dad we were going to stay with the homies, but we were actually going to stay with this 21-year-old bitch. We got back to the crib and were drinking OE and getting high when all of a sudden some dudes were like, “She wants to fuck both of you. Go into her bedroom.” We didn’t care or know nothing about pussy then, but we went in there and she was in lingerie bumping Poison or Motley Crue. She said, “Take your clothes off,” to both of us. We had boners and shit. We took off our clothes and she started sucking our dicks. She was like, “You have beautiful bodies.” She was 21 years old and we were 13! Needless to say we fucked the shit out of her, raw dog, and busted inside her. That was our introduction to pussy and sharing the same girls.

But we have a rule: if he goes first one night, I go first the next night. Sometimes, with freaky ass bitches, we DP them. But we got big ass dicks, man. Girls don’t want this in their ass. We’re both blessed with 9-inch cocks. Bitches love us because we know how to fuck. That’s the reason you see us with all the badass bitches—we’re fucking them right. When it first pops off we might both get going on a chick, like she’ll start sucking my dick and he’ll start fucking her doggy. Then we flip it. Or we take turns. Or I might turn over and pass out and he’ll fuck her, and then when he busts that nut I come in. It’s good for the girl—she gets her shit off. She’s getting her orgasm, trust me. And we ain’t the best looking dude. We ain’t got no Ryan Sheckler face, but at the same time I’m charming. I got game. I know how to holler at girls.

(note: i highly recommend reading the entire interview on Vice.com)

Sometimes there’s just nothing left to blog about, folks. Sometimes you find a story about Eskimo Brother twins who share the same vaginas and trying to add on to it is just doing it a disservice. When Sandy Koufax was on the mound in the 9th inning of his first perfect game, Vin Scully only said like 10 words the whole inning. He just let the moment breath. Let the crowd and the stadium do the talking. Thats what I’m going to do here. I’m going to let the ATL Twins have their moment. Let them do the talking.

I cannot think of a SINGLE thing more demented than fucking a chick after your brother has come inside her. Its beyond deranged. But what can you say? They are Sidney and Thurman – the Slumerican gangstas blessed with 9 inch cocks. They’re gonna do whatever they wanna do. Marry the same woman and jerk off in the same bed and all that shit.

High School Football Brawl?

September 22, 2011

SHARON, Pa. — Members of two Pennsylvania high school football teams have been suspended after a brawl prompted officials to end their game early. Officials at Sharon and Hickory high schools say additional penalties are also planned for more than a dozen players involved in the rumble during the fourth quarter of Friday’s game at Sharon. Video of the fight that ended the 43-7 Hickory win was posted online and drew thousands of views.

These announcers were kind of laisse faire about this brawl huh? Making it seem like somebody got a 15 yard taunting flag or something. Like “gosh you hate to see this”. Umm yeah you do. Riots are the worst. Also what was up with #44 and #28 in black? Just lollygagging it around acting like nothing is going on. Remind me not to get in a foxhole with those guys. I don’t care if you’re fucking Ghandi you got to get in the mix and help your teammates there. Or at least pretend to get involved. Hold each other back or something. Just a total pussy move by them.

New footage of Japanese Tsunami found

September 19, 2011

Are you shitting me? This has to be like the worst thing ever. Holy shit. I’m never complaining about anything again. The Tsunami was no joke.

Nicholas Cage a Vampire?

September 19, 2011

SEATTLE, Sept. 19 (UPI) A Seattle-based eBay seller is asking $1 million for a Civil War-era photo he claims is evidence actor Nicolas Cage is a “vampire.” The seller, who goes by the name Jack Mord, said the photo depicts a man who is nearly identical to the Oscar-winning actor, the New York Daily News reported Monday. “Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, et cetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so,” the seller wrote on the eBay posting. “150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.” “My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor ‘Nicolas Cage’ will ‘die’… but in reality, the undead vampire ‘Nicolas Cage’ will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over,” Mord wrote. The seller said he will allow potential buyers to verify the authenticity of the photo, which was taken by Civil War-era photographer Professor G.B. Smith. “Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands,” he wrote.

Is this joker fucking kidding me? $1 million? What a fucking ridiculous asking price.

Shit is easily worth 4 or 5 million bucks. I mean do you see that picture? I don’t wanna overreact here. I’m usually pretty level headed about stuff like this. But thats obviously Nicolas Cage in the 1870s. That’s 400% him 150 years ago and the only explanation is that the dude is a vampire. And I’m pretty pumped about this revelation. If Nic Cage is an immortal member of the undead, it means an eternity of movies like Face/Off and Con Air. Granted his last 9 or 10 films have all been epic disasters. Hopefully he’ll quicken himself and reinvent himself and get back to his Castor Troy/Cameron Poe days.