Shelby, North Carolina – Keenen Ratchford, a 19-year-old Shelby resident, was jailed Friday after an officer allegedly found 11 bags of marijuana inside his buttocks. According to Shelby Police, Ratchford was stopped by an officer around 11:30 p.m. after the officer noticed that a tail light on his vehicle was inoperable. When the officer approached the vehicle, he smelled a strong odor of marijuana. He also discovered that Ratchford was driving on a suspended license. Investigators say the officer searched the vehicle and did not find drugs. He then conducted a strip search on Ratchford, and still did not find any illegal substances. Ratchford then admitted that he had hidden 11 bags of marijuana inside his rectum. The bags were all contained inside of a bigger bag. Officers recovered a total of 6.7 grams of marijuana, according to the arrest report.
How does Keenen Ratchford fuck this up? Like I’ve never seen someone more in the clear than this. Didn’t find weed in the car. Didn’t find any weed during the strip search. Then Keenan just up and tells him that he’s got some devil’s lettuce shoved up his asshole? Makes absolutely zero sense to me. It would be like me calling up my mom right now and telling her that bottle of whiskey she found in high school really was mine. The inquisition is over bro, ride off into the sunset with your head held high. The cop smelled weed in your asshole? Tell him whoever smelt it dealt it, spit an N.W.A line, and peace. I mean this is just outrageous. It’s nonsensical, it makes no sense. It’s like when people try to explain to me why my shower isn’t pregnant. You can talk until you’re blue in the face but if I know anything in life it’s that my shower should be in it’s second trimester, and Keenan Ratchford should have gotten off.
PS – Who even puts weed in their ass? Isn’t getting caught with weed like a speeding ticket now? Just put it in your pocket like an adult. Don’t need to be shitting out bags at a party trying to get everyone to try your dank shit smoke.
PPS – Is 6.7 grams a lot? I don’t smoke weed because I’m weird enough as it is, but it sounds like a lot. Sometimes when I take a dump I’m like “Jesus Christ, that was inside of me?!” meanwhile this guy is just firing a Mexican farmer’s annual salary up his ass. I feel like even Belladonna would be like, “6.7 grams? In my ass? Oh no of course I’ll do it, but I won’t be happy about it.”