So I used to bartend at a high end restaurant in this town called Colts Neck NJ. It was expensive so you really only got a older, white crowd. The 1% I guess you could say. A lot of middle aged would come in looking for a good time and thats exactly what I showed them. Me being the moderately handsome charmer I am always made them light up. One night I was working it was slowing down and the other bartender let me go while he closed. It was about 1am when I went into the parking lot to find this women who I was just talking to at the bar sitting on the curb crying by herself. I couldn’t just leave her there!
I ask the woman why she was crying and she said something along the lines of “blahblah her divorce blahblah mortgage..” you know… adult problems. So I take her inside to the managers (he left for the night) office to not make a scene outside the restaurant and I’m trying to calm her down. Did I mention she was drunk? Important detail. So a few minutes pass by of trying to calm this crazy 40-something woman down and I’m not really sure how it led to this.. I thought we were having a normal conversation but apparently she didn’t think so. She starting undressing and you can see what happened from there. An hour of sexytime later and she calms down, sobers up and leaves. I get disappointing looks from the other bartender and we lock up and leave.
Fast forward a few months to me at my new higher paying job.. I’m drinking one night and met this sweet little thing and we started to hit it off. For the next month the whole courtship ritual began and we ended up deciding to make it facebook official. I couldn’t foresee what would happen next.
Rewind to about an hour ago: I have a few hours before work to grab lunch so I invite my new cute, sweet lady friend. We start talking about our families and pets and she decides to show me pictures of her dogs.. She starts swiping through her phone and telling me whats what.. She then flips to a photo of her and her mother.. That was the moment I went “HOLYFUCKING CHRIST IT’S THAT CRAZY DRUNK MILF.” I didn’t say that out loud of course. More like inner monologue.
So I try to ignore it and say I have to leave for work.. I need time to gather my thoughts… and before I have the chance to scurry off in escape she utters the last words I wanted to hear. “My mom wants to meet you.. how about dinner this week?” and being the idiot that I am agreed.
I am FUCKED.