Archive for January, 2012

Biggest Downgrade Ever? Like Seriously, Ever?

January 31, 2012

 

vs.

 

TMZThe mystery is over … Steve-O and Elisabetta Canalis are DEFINITELY more than friends … and yesterday they engaged in a little mouth-on-mouth PDA to prove it.

Fuck betting on the Pats in the Superbowl.   I am going to place every fucking nickel I have on Elisabetta Canalis in a celebrity death pool.  It just can’t get any worse than this right?  Like getting dumped by Clooney is bad enough, but rebounding with Steve O?    She might as well call 1-800-Suicide.   I mean if this isn’t a warning sign that somebody is depressed and ready to hang themselves I don’t know what is.   I honestly can’t fathom what must go through her head when she’s out to dinner staring across the table looking at Steve O knowing it was once Clooney.    I’m getting depressed just thinking about it.     I’m trying to come up with a comparison and I can’t.  

Aaron Hernandez Tattoos?

January 31, 2012

Not sure exactly who has been hating on Aaron Hernandez, but maybe he is just a fan of NAS.

Hernandez is now an honorary member of the Denver Nuggets.

His Jesus tat looks a bit like…….Courtney Cox, but I digress.  Lol, these tats are absurd.

Marrying a Building?

January 30, 2012

ArbroathBabylonia Aivaz’s love knows no bounds – that’s why she will marry a 107-year-old doomed warehouse in Seattle later today. The Seattle activist has planned the weekend ceremony because she is head over heels in love, and she also wants to make a statement against the warehouse’s slated demolition. A luxury apartment complex will be built in its place, and Aivaz is mourning the loss of a place she and other protesters have inhabited for more than a month. ‘If corporations can have the rights as people, so can buildings,’ said Aivaz, referencing a Supreme Court decision on political advertising. ‘I’m doing this to show the building how much I love it, how much I love community space and how much I love this neighborhood. And I want to stop it from gentrification.’ She is calling the upcoming ceremony a ‘gay union’. The public is invited to the wedding, and encouraged to bring food.

 

Honey, Honey — I get it. You don’t like cookie-cutter condos, The Man is about to demolish that old building that you and your high school friend used to get high in, and you’ve found a clever way to play on the “corporations are people” line to try to get what you want. Totally understand, but the thing is this ain’t the way to do it. And you’ll probably never know this because you’re a dumb, misguided, excruciatingly-painful-to-watch hipster about to enter into a faux object sexual gay marriage with a warehouse. Gentrification? Are you fucking serious? Does Seattle have a large Haitian population that’s getting moved out by mom & pop coffee shops and condo yuppies? Seriously doubt that.  Calm the fuck down, take off the wedding dress, and bring your ugly ridiculous ass back to earth.

Wardrobe Malfunction?

January 30, 2012

CelebsChristina Aguilera had a sickeningly embarrassing “wardrobe” malfunction while singing at Etta James’ funeral. The malfunction had nothing to do with what she had on. It was caused by what she had in–or didn’t have in–securely. The unspeakable malfunction occurred because her feminine protection product apparently failed her. Or to put it grossly and bluntly, her tampon or maxi pad leaked, and her period ran down her leg.

Listen I understand as women get older they gain weight. I understand that when you’re 32 you’re not gonna look the same as when you were 19. I get that after giving birth you may not ever return to the sexy little minx you once were. I realize that you can’t be a sex icon forever.

But is it too much to ask to make sure period blood isn’t streaming down your legs when you perform at funerals? At this point its officially impossible to defend you, Xtina. I mean its one thing when you’re just enormously fat. I can throw out the Maxim photoshoot in the pool with your ass sticking out of the inner tube to defend you. But this is a horse of a differently color. Menstruating all over some chick’s coffin? Not even the video for Dirty can save you from this one. Clean your shit up.

I guess for one last time, lets cue the music? Don’t know if it even works anymore

Gunner Keil commits to Notre Dame?

January 28, 2012

That’s your name bro, Gunner Keil?  That’s a hell of a football name.  Your destined to play QB  in the National Football League if your fucking name is Gunner Keil.  That’s even better than “Colt McCoy.”  You ain’t going to be no investment banker named Gunner Keil.  I’m going to give all my kids sick football names.  Bad-ass names like Takeo Spikes, A.J. Hawk, Quentin Jammer, and Captain Munnerlyn.  

Honorable mention to  Courtney Greene, DB, Jaguars; Taylor Mays, DB, Bengals; Ashley Palmer, LB, Lions; Blair White.  Only because their names sound like it should belong to a hot girl and/or female porn star.

Sammy Sosa?

January 26, 2012

I know we re-hash this every time Sammy comes out of hiding but the man simply looks too ridiculous to ignore. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY, SAMMY. We remember what you looked like when you were all juiced-up smashing the shit out of baseballs. You’ve lived in America for too many years to give in to cultural racism to the point where you whitewash yourself. Bleaching your skin and perming your hair so you look like some nightmarish version of Ricky Ricardo? That’s so 1930′s, Sosa. I know things are different on the island of Hispanola but grow the fuck up. You’re rich! Who cares if people there think you’re ‘lesser than’ because you’re skin is (was) darker.

But the worst part of it all is how you’re living in this fantasy world where you think people believe that you were getting some COMPLETLY UNRELATED skin treatment that ended up having the unfortunate side effect was coming out looking like a member of the Dominican Addams Family. We aren’t stupid, bruh. We know what you did. And it looks crazy.

Living on McNuggets?

January 26, 2012

Daily Mail – A teenage girl who has eaten almost nothing else apart from chicken nuggets for 15 years has been warned by doctors that the junk food is killing her. Stacey Irvine, 17, has been hooked on the treats since her mother bought her some at a McDonald’s restaurant when she was two. Shocked doctors learned of her habit when the factory worker, from Castle Vale, Birmingham, collapsed and was taken to hospital after struggling to breathe. Miss Irvine, who has never eaten fruit or vegetables, had swollen veins in her tongue and was found to have anaemia.  Medics gave her a series of injections and started her on an urgent course of vitamins. But, despite being warned that she could die if she sticks to her nugget addiction, she still can’t resist the fast food. Miss Irvine, who prefers McDonald’s treats but also enjoys KFC’s, told The Sun: ‘I am starting to realise this is really bad for me.’ One of her favourite pastimes is sharing 20 nuggets and a portion of fries with her boyfriend.

You know people love to preach about all that “you only live once” mentality. “Life’s too short.” “Live life to the fullest.” Well you know who lives that life we all just talk about? Stacey Irvine, thats who. Lifes too short for fruit and vegetables. Fuck, life’s too short even for another item off the McDonalds menu. You like chicken mcnuggets? Then fuckin eat chicken mcnuggets for 15 years. You only got a limited amount of time on this planet and if you think Stacey Irvine is gonna spend it worry about “food groups” and “nutrition” then you’ve got another thing coming. And variety and experimentation are just for foodie snobs who can’t appreciate the deliciousness of a fried chicken nugget.

Not a bad looking broad for only living on chicken McNuggets.  I was expecting a disgusting, fat mess.  She looks semi-normal.  Ain’t too bad.

Eating a Dead Mouse?

January 25, 2012

ArbroathA mother was outraged after learning of a gruesome incident involving her baby and a local childcare center, which has led to a probe by the state health department. The Donald K. Tucker Childcare Center, located in Newark, New Jersey, sparked criticism after 8-month-old baby Alanah Barba was found nibbling on a rodent while being supervised by preschool staff. “I’m very upset because first of all they should’ve been watching her more carefully,” mother Brittany Barba said. The baby was initially found by her grandmother, who assumed that the creature was a toy, but after closer inspection, realized that it was actually a dead mouse. “There’s germs, mice carry disease, disgusted by it all,” the baby’s aunt Nadiyyah Miller said. Miller explained that the entire family is frustrated because the daycare center refused to answer their questions about the incident, even denying them access to view the incident report. Although the daycare center released a statement explaining that the incident was rare, Miller and Barba have criticized the childcare center for failing to answer a series of questions including how long the rodent was in Alanah’s mouth.

I hear a lot of blaming and finger pointing but I don’t see anyone really giving fault to the true guilty party here: the baby. What kind of kid puts a dead mouse in their mouth? That’s just stupid. And if the baby is stupid, maybe this here is the mother’s fault for not placing her child in the appropriate stupid children daycare center that better suits her needs. Everybody’s so quick to blame the daycare center and the people watching the baby. Look: mice happen. They’ve been happening since before people existed. It’s Alanah Barba’s responsibility just like it is for all of us to educate and prepare our children for a world filled with corruption, deceit, and dead crib-mice.

Have to admit that this daycare owner doesn’t seem the brightest, though. “We’ll DOUBLE the number of exterminations each month!” Great idea, guy. Babies around poison always beats babies around mice.

White Trash Fight?

January 24, 2012

Chicago TribuneA 38-year-old Willowbrook man accused of calling 911 and asking to fight a police officer faces felony battery and resisting arrest charges, police said on Monday. Police said John R. Pacella, of the 200 block of Stanhope Drive, was arrested after a 911 call from a man who “wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them” about 4 a.m. on Jan. 19, police said. When officers arrived at Pacella’s home, he shoved the officers, according to a police report.  He is charged with aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult – all felonies – records indicate. Willowbrook police say they have had prior contact with Pacella, who is registered sex offender.

Is this not a dream come true for a police officer? I bet when dispatch put out the word to cops on the beat it was a fucking scramble to get on the scene first. Usually its like “All units we’ve got a domestic violence dispute, children involved” or like “All units we have a narcotics situation downtown, gunfire reported.” All that shit sucks. Dangerous and depressing. Cops probably just shut their radio off and pretend they never heard that shit. But when dispatch comes over the radio like “All units, we have a white trash sex offender who’s challenging the police department to a fist fight. Any officers available to respond?” the fuckin radio frequency probably explodes from cops responding. Guys were probably playing Rocks Paper Scissor and Odds and Evens to see who gets the privilege to beat this dude’s ass. Its like a bouncer getting the green light to beat the shit out of some drunk asshole talking shit.

40 Year Old Virgin?

January 24, 2012

The SunHOLLYWOOD makes fun of 40-year-old virgins but for Charlotte Baird it is not a scary prospect. She turns 40 in May and has never even KISSED a man, let alone slept with one. Charlotte made the decision at 11 that the first man she slept with would be The One — and she hasn’t met him yet. She says: “I know it will shock many people that I still haven’t slept with a man at my age but I have always been happy with my decision. “Living a life of celibacy makes me feel secure and in control of my life. “This is why I choose to be open and honest about my decision. “Being celibate suits me and as I have never had sex, I don’t miss it.”  She says: “I love my life and just because I haven’t ‘done the deed’ doesn’t make me weird. “I’m happy knowing that one day I will have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with a man I love. “At the moment being celibate is quite fashionable, as it means being in control of your life. “My dad’s never questioned me about it,” says Charlotte. “Probably because he’s a man and he’s embarrassed. My mum does find it baffling.”  “Obviously meeting Mr Right would be wonderful, but I’m in no rush,” she says. There are a few things my perfect man would have. “He would have to be tall, an animal lover who is young at heart, but also very responsible.

One of my favorite excuses of all time. “Oh no, don’t worry. I actually like it this way.” Yea, sure you do, sweetheart. You don’t want to have sex, has nothing to do with the fact that you look like Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.  I use this excuse every chance I can get. I tell Yankee fans all the time that I like being a Mets fan because if they ever win a World Series, I’ll appreciate it so much more than the spoiled Yankees fans who win them all the time. Its gonna be so much more special. Yea fuckin right! I’d love to be spoiled by too many World Series rings. If I had my way I’d win so many championships that I wouldn’t even be fazed by them anymore.

Thats like this bitch here. Ohh it will be so much more special for me when it finally happens, thats why I choose not to. Whatever you say toots. The reason the Mets don’t win the World Series is because they fucking suck and the reason Prince Charming is knocking on the door of your pussy is because you’re ugly and people think you’re a weirdo. If the Mets could start winning World Series and suitors were lining up to knock the dust off your pussy, you and me would both be as happy as a pig in shit, sister. Spare me the dog and pony show about “I like it this way.” Its like when I burn my grilled cheese and tell people “Its ok, I like it a little black.” Just covering my ass because I’m about to eat a shitty sandwich.

PS – “My dad’s never questioned me about it.” What a fucking surprise! Of course your dad hasn’t brought up the fact that you’re a celibate weirdo. Whats the old saying? “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?” Thats just like this situation here except its more like “If your daughter ain’t getting fucked, don’t tell her she should go out and get fucked.” By the time chicks are like 18 fathers usually have to accept the fact that dicks are gonna penetrate their daughter. This dude has lucked out an additional 20 years