Archive for February, 2012

Swift and Tebow?

February 29, 2012

NYPA romance may be brewing between Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow and country songstress Taylor Swift. Page Six reported that Tebow was the toast of a pre-Oscars bash on Friday night, where he spent some time chatting up Swift. The pair then had dinner Monday night at Toscanova Italian restaurant in Century City, according to the website Clevvertv.com. “After dinner, he walked her out,” a source told the website, adding that it was unclear whether the get-together was a date. “Then he walked back in to join two other people. I think they may both have been with their agents.”

Perhaps they were just meeting to discuss some future cross-promotional opportunities. Or maybe their agents know each other and just wanted to grab something to eat. Or maybe they’re just good friends. I don’t know the details — none of us do. But what I do know is that if by some crazy last-second desperate act of Satan himself he overpowers Football Jesus and forces him to ravage the virginal body of America’s sweetheart…none of us will survive.

It will officially be the end of all conversation, as every man, woman, and child will be left only able to grunt and bark about Tebow and Swift-related subjects. Television would cease to exist, as every network on the dial would become nothing more than random flashes of their images, with only occasional predictive baby photoshops cutting into the madness. The sports world and the internet would simultaneously crumble when every athlete on the planet would spend their traditional practice and game time Tweeting about the Tebow/Swift pairing, overloading Twitter and exploding the entirety of cyberspace. In short: it would be the end.

Pretty sure Taylor Swift wouldn’t survive the incomprehensibly vicious fuck-thrusts of a testosterone-filled meathead whose never busted a nut in his life but has lived with pussy in his face for 24 straight years.  That skinny broad would be a corpse in five minutes. But hey, wouldn’t them two together be NEAT?

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Gay Sex Legal in India?

February 29, 2012

NEW DELHI (AP)The Indian government Tuesday clarified to the Supreme Court that it accepts a recent ruling legalizing gay sex in the country. A lawyer told the Supreme Court that the government would not challenge a 2009 order by the Delhi High Court striking down a colonial-era law that made gay sex a crime. The 2009 high court order had said that treating consensual gay sex between adults as a crime was a violation of fundamental rights protected by India’s constitution.

Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. This has to be a bigger upset than when Buster Dougles beat Tyson right? Just no way in a million years I thought India would have a Constitution nevermind allow gay sex. I mean it would appear India is more progressive than the South. Who would have thunk it? And more importantly if you know what’s good for you now is the time to buy real estate in Delhi. Because once the gays move in shit starts getting beatified in a hurry. That’s not me talking. That’s science.

Hashbrown Theif?

February 29, 2012

 

 

AJC – A University of Georgia soccer player is charged with trying to steal an order of hashbrown potatoes in her pants. According to UGA police records, Carli Shultis, 19, was arrested around 8:30 a.m. Feb. 21 at the Bulldog Cafe in the Tate Center on campus. The student newspaper, The Red & Black, obtained a copy of the police report, which stated that a food services worker detained Shultis after seeing her attempt to steal the potatoes while making a food purchase. Shultis admitted to a police officer that she had stuffed the hashbrowns in her pants to avoid paying for them, the Red & Black reported. Shultis also told police that she had enough money to pay for the hashbrowns, which were valued at $1.06, the paper said.The police report also stated that Shultis removed the hashbrowns from her pants and tried to put them back on the food counter when she realized she’d been spotted. She was arrested and taken to the Clarke County jail. She also received a one-year ban from campus eateries — The Bulldog Café, Tate Café, Taste of Home Café, Red Clay Café, Dawg Snacks, Village Market, DogBone, Bone Appétit, The Cremery, ‘Tween the Pages, Dawg Bites and Jittery Joes, the Red & Black reported.


I’m kind of digging this girl. Sure her mug isn’t all that great but I bet she has an ass to die for. Reminds me of a slut I used to stuff in college.  All soccer player chicks do. Plus I like the bad girl. Like she could have paid for the hashbrowns if she wanted to. She just chose not to. Wanted to steal for the thrill of it. To get that charge of electricity that you can only get from shoving warm potatoes down your twat. Kinky as fuck if you ask me. And now she’s banned from all the campus eateries. Bad to the bone. Outlaw sex for the win!

Hippie Chick?

February 29, 2012

FloridaA young model allegedly set a fire that caused one of the world’s oldest cypress trees to burn and collapse because she needed light in the darkness to see what drugs she was doing. Sara Barnes, 26, of Winter Park, Florida, was identified by two witnesses as the person who caused the 118ft bald cypress tree named ‘The Senator’ to burn and collapse on January 16, police said. The woman allegedly took photos of the fire on the 3,500-year-old tree with her phone but did not call 911 – and authorities found methamphetamine, scales and drug paraphernalia at her home.

So to put this in perspective, 15 centuries before Christ, around the time the Israelites were making the Exodus from Egypt and the Myceneans were conquering Greece, this tree sprung up out of the ground in Florida.  It survived floods, droughts, innumerable hurricanes and human development.  And it was still alive.  One of the oldest living beings on Earth.  And in a few seconds, one skanky meth-ho destroyed it.  What kind of a hippie is this chick anyway?   Aren’t the Sara Barnes’ of the world the ones who cry when they cut down a tree because they think trees are more important than people?  This chick is a bigger failure as a hippie than she is as a “model.”  And that’s saying something.

Look, I’m no tree hugger.  I appreciate the fact that plenty of the damn things were cut down to build the floors, walls, roof and bed I sleep in every night.  And there’s plenty more where they came from.  But this story makes even me sad.  There is no curse in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of men for this treachery.

Jail Break?

February 28, 2012

Philly.comInstead of bail money, a Glenolden man brought a gun to the Upper Darby police station early Saturday morning and demanded the release of his girlfriend, who’d been arrested earlier in the night for drunk and disorderly conduct, police said. Kenneth Stewart, 22, who was high as a kite himself, according to police, must have confused chivalry with stupidity. Instead of busting his lady out of the clinker, he wound up in a cell himself and remains there today on attempted murder charges and $250,000 bail, said Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood. Stewart’s older girlfriend, Denise Pepe, 27, was arrested at the Playhouse Lanes on Garrett Road late Friday night for being drunk and disorderly and was taken in to custody, Chitwood said. Around 12:30 a.m. Saturday, Stewart, who appeared intoxicated, showed up at the police station on West Chester Pike demanding her release, Chitwood said. “The guy was crazed,” he said. “We believe he was probably whacked out. He’s a real bum.” Stewart was asked to leave and did so, but returned seconds later and fought with two officers as they tried to take him in custody, police said. During the struggle, Stewart pulled a fully-loaded gun out and although officers were able to wrestle it away from him before any shots were fired, a bullet was ejected from the gun somehow during the struggle, Chitwood said. “It was kind of like a Mortal Combat situation,” he said. Once in custody, Upper Darby police discovered they had two warrants out for Stewart – one for threatening someone with a gun in December and the other for beating a man with a stick in June, according to police.

“It was kind of like a Mortal Combat situation”? First of all, it’s “Kombat”. Second of all, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Dude had a gun. Unless he had four arms and was shooting ice balls or ripping out spinal cords or turning cops into babies I don’t think this qualifies as a “Mortal Kombat” situation, officer.

But I’ll give you that it was nuts. I’d be afraid too if some dumbass Rocky-like jabroni came into my station brandishing a weapon and this fearsome 80′s hockey hair. “Is he going to shoot us or sing U Give Love a Bad Name?” Shit had to be stressful.

You gotta respect his Gumption, though. And I mean Gumption with a capital ‘G’ like Forrest Gump because you’d have to be a retarded person to believe that you can still free somebody from jail with only a gun. Homey it’s 2012, not the old west. You’re not about to make your escape on horseback and just ride off into the next town with your girl searching for adventure. You’re gonna be worried about ass rape and toilet seniority in the holding cell. Maybe it’s finally time to buy a TV and learn how the rest of the world works these days.

Blowing Up?

February 28, 2012

Make me a balloon dog, bro

LITTLETON, Colo. — A 5-year-old girl is getting ready to undergo a battery of tests after she found a condom on her school playground and thought it was a balloon.The condom was found in wood chips on the playground at Acres Green Elementary School in Littleton on Thursday.”One of my daughter’s friends brought it over to my daughter and gave it to her as a gift,” the father told 7NEWS. “At that point, my daughter attempted to blow it up.” After playing with the condom, the girl put it in her pocket. My concern is not knowing if it was used or not (and) my daughter putting it to her mouth,” the father said. We are not naming the father or girl to protect her.”It scares me,” the dad said. “This is the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life.”The girl is scheduled for a series of tests Monday to see if she contracted a disease. 7NEWS discovered the condom the girl found on the playground was not the only one.”The school went out as soon as they found out about it and went through the playground and did find a few other items, condoms, out on the playground,” said Randy Barber, spokesman for the Douglas County School District.

You know who’s a real motherfucker? The kid who “gave it to her as a gift.” That little son of a bitch knew exactly what he was doing. There’s always one diabolical asshole with an older brother or degenerate parents who knows everything there is to know about sex and shit way too early. Knows about condoms and sex and has porno mags and spends all night pretending he was a lesbian in online chat rooms.

I know there’s always one of those kids because I was one. Kids would be like Hey check out this cool snake skin I found in the woods! Id be like “thats not a snakeskin, Timmy, thats a latex prophylactic used to capture a man’s sperm during intercourse. Now blow that shit up like a balloon they’re basically the same thing!” So there’s no doubt in my min this little fucker knew exactly what that condom was and was like “Hey lets go give this used jimmy hat to Little Suzie and tell her its a balloon!” Matter of fact there’s a chance he not only knew what it was, it was probably his. Little asshole probably strapping those things on for fun just to experiment or something. I’m telling you they should just lock that kid up right now. He’s heading down a dark path, trust me. Takes one to know one. .

Kobe?

February 25, 2012

Bitch, you wasn’t with me SHOOTING IN THE GYM!!!!

Robert Griffin III?

February 25, 2012

RG3 should change his name to RG3000.

Lady Gaga?

February 25, 2012

I’m gonna say it.  Lady Gaga is actually pretty cute when she’s not being gross and wierd.

Worst Dressed?

February 25, 2012

Getty

That’s Michael Jordan in 2007, which is 20 years after fluorescent T-shirts tucked into jeans and hoop earrings were acceptable male attire.