JACKSONVILLE, Fla., Feb. 10 (UPI) – Authorities in Florida said they found cocaine in the buttocks of a one-legged suspect seen hopping away from a car. Jacksonville sheriff’s deputies said they responded to a call about suspected drug activity inside a GMC sport-utility vehicle parked near an apartment in Jacksonville and a man missing his right leg started hopping away from the vehicle when deputies pulled up behind the SUV, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Friday. Deputies ordered the man to come back and he hopped over to the deputies, who identified him as Ariosto Kuryakin Wyman. The deputies said they found marijuana in Wyman’s cargo pocket and he told them he was not carrying any other drugs. However, a corrections officer at the jail discovered a bag of cocaine stuffed between the cheeks of Wyman’s buttocks.
I’m pretty sure once you only have one leg you gotta retire from the drug game. Pretty much gotta retire from any game in general, really. But certainly a life of crime and narcotics and shit. You can’t be hopping away from your car try to evade the po-leece. Clenching your cheeks while you pogo stick away from the scene of the crime ain’t really gonna work. You know what I mean, Ariosto? Like if there were 11 Crack Commandments the 11th woulda been “you gotta have both your fuckin legs.” Pretty sure everyone just assumed that was understood without explicitly stating it.