Archive for July, 2012

Chocolate Covered Meth?

July 31, 2012

DMRogelio Mauricio Harris, 34, was arrested on Friday for trying to sneak four pounds of methamphetamine in candy-coated candy bars at Los Angeles International Airport onto a Japan bound flight. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials became suspicious when they found forty-five individually wrapped Snickers bars in Harris’s checked luggage and scratched the surface, literally, to find white powder where there should have been peanuts and caramel. Mr Harris’s plot was discovered during a routine luggage check at Los Angeles International Airport, officials told the MailOnline. Officials spotted a large box of candy bars among his personal items and opted to investigate. After unwrapping a Snickers bar, they found that each bar was ‘coated in a chocolate-like substance to make the contents of the package appear to be a real candy bar.’ The fake candy bars, officials say, contained approximately 1,900 grams, or just over four pounds, of methamphetamine. Homeland Security Investigations agents said that the seized contraband would have sold for as much as $250,000 on the street in Japan.

Nice job going through the trouble of actually chocolate-dipping each bar of meth.  I just picture some schmo at the chocolate factory with a gun being pressed to his temple thinking “Oh God don’t shoot oh God Mr. Snickers is gonna have my ass for this.” And yes, in this example his chocolate factory candy dipping station line manager is named “Mr. Snickers”.

There is one question I still have here, though — WHO THE HELL TRAVELS INTERNATIONALLY WITH FOUR POUNDS OF SNICKERS BARS?  There’s absolutely zero rationale to this guy’s meth-smuggling scheme.  It’s not like there are no Snickers in Japan.  The entire country of Japan is made up of candy, robots, and teenage girl panties.  Just because something sounds like a fun idea doesn’t mean it’s worth trying.  Always pisses me off when watching Locked Up Abroad when some jerkoff throws multiple kilos of coke in something ridiculous like 20 cans of hairspray.  Be sensible, drug smugglers.  Hide your meth in something people would actually take on vacation


Bane Voice?

July 31, 2012

Disregard the fact that the movie was ehhhh at best. Yeah, someone had to say it. Dante, the Barstool Blackout DJ, said the same thing after he saw an advanced screening a couple weeks ago, and he got ripped to shreds for it. Dark Knight was one of my favorite movies, so it pains me to do this, but I’m here to validate his claims. The plot was boring and predictable. The dialogue was downright criminal, and the acting was atrocious. Mol from Inception played her character so half-assed it hurt. But more importantly, Bane’s voice… Who gave the green light to that one? Who in the brainstorming session was like, “hold on a second, let’s hear Eric out. He may be on to something with making his voice sound like that guy from Titanic who was always looking for his next brandy fix.”

“Hyere Hyere! Brandy and destruction to Gotham!”


July 31, 2012

I feel like I’m late to the party but I haven’t heard nearly enough bashing on this jabroni. Holy fuckin moly is this guy the biggest loser on the face of the planet? There are like two people on the planet earth that should wear grills – Paul Wall the Peoples Champ, and the Birdman. Thats it. Olympic swimmers ain’t on that list.

Certainly not Olympic swimmers who come in 4th. I mean what kind of move is this? You wanna dress up like a Cash Money Millionaire wait for Halloween bro. And if you’re gonna do it at the Olympics you better be fucking sure you win the gold medal every single time you jump in the pool. I don’t even think Lebron would pull a stunt like this.

The fact that this clown’s name is even mentioned in the same breath as Phelps is a joke.

Penn State?

July 30, 2012

You know what’s worse than Communism?  Raping children.

I’m amazed at the mental versatility of the Penn State fans claiming that the NCAA “punished the innocent” here.  That’s like Stage Five insanity Big Brother Loves Us territory.  The NCAA punished a football program that allowed little boys to get buttraped for YEARS by a powerful member of the coaching staff.  If Penn State soccer or tennis was cancelled I’d understand the “punishing the innocent” stuff.  But everything has fallen on the football team like it should.  Just because you like the football team doesn’t change anything.

Kobe Beef?

July 30, 2012


TMZTMZ obtained photos of the Team USA star at an afterparty in Barcelona  earlier this week … hanging out with two hot chicks … sans shirt. One  source close to Kobe who was at the party tells us Bryant was forced to  strip down because “someone spilled an entire drink on him … his  shirt was soaking wet.”


Of course Kobe was forced to take his shirt off.   Of course he was forced to put his dick inside of these girls.    Of course he was….

Blind Archer?

July 27, 2012

Philly.comSetting a world record at the Olympics is an impressive feat. It becomes even more impressive when the competitor is blind. What Im Dong-hyun of South Korea did in London on Friday borders on nearly impossible. Legally blind, Im set the world record, the first world record set at these games, in the one sport where eyesight seems to be the most important tool – archery. He broke the 72-arrow mark with 699 points. This was no fluke, however. Im also took place in the team competition, where the South Koreans broke the world record in that event as well with a score of 2,087 points on 216 arrows.

This is like a guy with no feet winning a kickball tournament or an Irishman placing first in the Big Cock Championships — just a completely backwards against-all-odds type of achievement.  The article for this was tucked in the corner of the site for some reason like it’s not a big deal.  Like reading about how O.J. Atogwe’s leadership is more important than the BLIND GUY breaking an archery world record.  I have 20/20 and when I’m shooting garbage in my trash can I still max out at like 70% from the field.  Im Dong-hyun, I’m impressed bro.  Even if these other people aren’t.

Stories like this are why I don’t understand some people’s dislike of the Olympics.  Like I get that The Games are a bunch of foreigners playing foreign sports that we’re not used to watching, but isn’t that the point?  Isn’t that the reason we stay up til 2AM gambling sidebets with your buddies on Croatian Handball or cheering on the Chinese guy just because his name is Dong Dong?  This shit is great.  All the competition and drama with no emotional attachment to the athletes.  Whelp, looks like your Italian gymnast broke her foot.  Better hope her teammate sticks the landing on the horse or you owe me 60.

Crazy Bitch?

July 27, 2012

WyckoffPolice arrested a 19-year-old woman early this morning on charges she helped lure an ex-boyfriend to a local park, where he was badly beaten. According to Wyckoff Police Chief Benjamin Fox, officers received a call about the beating at approximately 10:24 p.m Thursday. The victim, a 19-year-old from Ridgewood who was bloodied and suffered head injuries in the attack, reported that two men had beaten him with a pipe and baseball bat outside the Lincoln School. The teen told officers he had come to the school with an ex-girlfriend, Margaux Tocci, and that the two had been walking around the schoolyard talking. As they walked, the two men approached and began beating him, taking cash from his wallet and smashing his cell phone on the ground, Fox said. Tocci and the two men, described as being in their late teens or early twenties, left the scene in Tocci’s vehicle. At approximately 3 a.m., officers stopped a vehicle on Franklin Avenue that matched the victim’s description, and found Tocci inside.

Margaux Tocci you crazy fuckin slut! Hair fucked up, smiling ear to ear in a mugshot after being arrested for putting out a hit on her ex boyfriend. Thats just crazy you can’t teach. I’d love to mix it up with this bitch. It would be like a sex fling mash up with a battle for human survival. One minute you’re fishooking her filming some homemade porn star sex, and the next thing you know you’re on the run from an assassin she hired because you didn’t text her back fast enough. It would test my very limits of manhood. Dating Margaux Tocci would be like being in the Hunger Games. After a 6 month relationship you’d come out like Jason fucking Bourne.

The South is Insane?

July 27, 2012

(LostOgle)The guy in the image above is named Horatio Coates. If Horatio looks a little dazed and confused, well, he has good reason to be. Earlier this week, he was repeatedly struck upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat while attempting to steal DVDs from a Dollar General. The blows to the head were delivered by the store’s manager, and fortunately for us, the whole ordeal was recorded during a 911 call.  You can listen to the audio in the News 9 clip below. It’s worth it.

You know how sometimes when people talk about their jobs they say “it’s what I was born to do”? It’s usually from some holier than thou prick like a priest or a doctor or a teacher. Well this is it right here for me: I was born to be the store manager at a Dollar General in Oklahoma City. When I was a kid I used to walk around with a Copperhead and beat the shit out of every inanimate object that looked at me funny. There are still trees out back at my house that haven’t fully recovered. Now I’m not the player I used to be anymore but you give me a drop 3 Stealth Comp and a thief with some hot DVDs and I promise you it won’t take 5 swings. No BP or donut swings necessary. Box score would read: Feitelberg (CF) – 1 for 1, 2B.

Yeah I said double. Because I used to rape left center. Treated the gaps like they were the Red Sea. And guess what Horatio Coates? You better stock up on bagels because you’re heading to the fucking desert.    Actually, fuck the drugged up robber for being crazy, do you know how batshit you need to be to defend merchandise in your DOLLAR STORE to the point where you basically beat someone to death with a baseball bat?  That’s why you proceed with caution with anyone the farther down you go below the Mason Dixon line.  Just a different breed down there.

Shaq and Evan Turner?

July 26, 2012

It’s official: Shaquille O’Neal is a time-bending ageless wizard.  Or something.  How is it possible that this dude has looked exactly the same for the past decade plus?  This picture is playing the wildest games with my brain.  What year was this?  It’s not like Shaq would be above wearing a shiny oversized black denim collared short-sleeve shirt with red accents today, either.  Could this be Photoshopped?  You ain’t fooling nobody with that crease, ET.

There have to be literally millions of pictures of Shaq giving the back-handed peace sign out there.  Somebody should start a Tumblr.

Going HAM at Daycare?

July 26, 2012

This kid is INSANE. Jesus.

Hey say what you want about this kid being a scumbag and beating on toddlers. But don’t say he doesn’t have a future in pro wrestling. You see that front kick? Talk about a flare for the dramatics. Thing had enough power to put Bane through the front door of city hall

Mollywopp city! And how about the reverse dropkick? Textbook. Kid waits for the ref to turn her back and next thing you know Booker T is putting this chick right out of the ring. If JR was calling this security footage I’m pretty sure he’d have a fucking heart attack.