(LostOgle) — The guy in the image above is named Horatio Coates. If Horatio looks a little dazed and confused, well, he has good reason to be. Earlier this week, he was repeatedly struck upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat while attempting to steal DVDs from a Dollar General. The blows to the head were delivered by the store’s manager, and fortunately for us, the whole ordeal was recorded during a 911 call. You can listen to the audio in the News 9 clip below. It’s worth it.
You know how sometimes when people talk about their jobs they say “it’s what I was born to do”? It’s usually from some holier than thou prick like a priest or a doctor or a teacher. Well this is it right here for me: I was born to be the store manager at a Dollar General in Oklahoma City. When I was a kid I used to walk around with a Copperhead and beat the shit out of every inanimate object that looked at me funny. There are still trees out back at my house that haven’t fully recovered. Now I’m not the player I used to be anymore but you give me a drop 3 Stealth Comp and a thief with some hot DVDs and I promise you it won’t take 5 swings. No BP or donut swings necessary. Box score would read: Feitelberg (CF) – 1 for 1, 2B.
Yeah I said double. Because I used to rape left center. Treated the gaps like they were the Red Sea. And guess what Horatio Coates? You better stock up on bagels because you’re heading to the fucking desert. Actually, fuck the drugged up robber for being crazy, do you know how batshit you need to be to defend merchandise in your DOLLAR STORE to the point where you basically beat someone to death with a baseball bat? That’s why you proceed with caution with anyone the farther down you go below the Mason Dixon line. Just a different breed down there.