Archive for January, 2013

And the Sick Facebook Shit of 2013 Continues?

January 29, 2013

Huff – A woman who apparently put a used, bloody tampon in her mouth and a man who posted a video of himself eating ice cream laced with human feces have wed in holy Facebook matrimony. The Daily Dot reports that ‘Tampon Girl,’ as the Internet has dubbed 15-year-old Buffalo resident Giovanna Plowman, recently changed her Facebook relationship status to married to Dino Bruscia, another New York teen who gained online infamy for poop eating. The news comes shortly after Plowman’s tampon video went viral, earning her instant Internet fame and a slew of hate-filled tweets. There it is. That headline is the most fucked up thing I’ve ever written. I mean I’ve written a lot of fucked up things but nothing has been quite so compact in its absurdity. One sentence that makes you want to puke twenty times. Just horrific on all levels. Sucking period blood. Eating shit. Getting Facebook married. All these things offend me.

But I suppose there’s no couple more perfect for each other than these two. Both famous for taking things that came out of their body and putting them right back in. If it comes out below the waste then these lovebirds are shoving it in their pie holes. Kinda beautiful, really. Although the shit eater Dino Bruscia could also just be doing this to get the other babes on Facebook jealous. Ride this marriage out for a bit then upgrade to some better pussy. Hey who knows, maybe there’s a hotter chick out there who likes chugging used tampons too.

PS – No way I’m posting that video by the way. Go find that sick shit yourself.


Alyssa Rosales?

January 28, 2013

So the story goes like this, Alyssa Rosales lost a bet and had to have sex with and blow her dog and post it on Facebook.  The fuck?  Seriously, 2013 is really starting out with a bang.  This is what people are doing to get famous?  Whatever happened to stupid music videos (Friday, Gagnam Style).  Sleeping with your dog is insane.  That fact that this chick isn’t totally gross is even more insane.  I literally can’t think of anything grosser than this.  And to post it on Facebook?  I can’t, I just cant.  I get it, you got funny tattoos, you’re “different.”  But go listen to emo music or something, don’t screw your dog.  Just don’t do it.  And definately don’t suck your dog’s dick.  I think I lost all faith in humanity.

Chip Kelly QB?

January 18, 2013

So now that Chip Kelly is the new Head Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, I think these two guys would be perfect to run his offense. 

Dennis Dixon, Baltimore Practice Squad

Dixon was drafted in the fifth round of the NFL draft back in 2008 by the Pittsburgh Steelers. In four career NFL games, Dixon has a 59.3% completion rate with 402 yards, 1 touchdown, and 2 interceptions. He only ran 10 times for 56 yards with 1 touchdown. He’s currently on the Ravens practice squad and hasn’t been involved in an NFL play since September 19, 2010.

In Kelly’s first season as the offensive coordinator of the Oregon Ducks, he turned Dennis Dixon from a pedestrian quarterback at best into a Heisman contender. In 2006, before Kelly arrived, Dixon passed for 2,143 yards, 12 touchdowns, and 14 interceptions. A year later, under Kelly, Dixon passed for 2,136 yards, 20 touchdowns, and 4 interceptions. His completion percentage improved by 6.5 points in addition to running for 583 yards and 9 touchdowns. And he did all of it just 10 games due to a torn muscle that ended his season.

Dixon would seem like a long shot to land the starting quarterback job in Philly, but it wouldn’t be out of the question to think that Kelly could bring Dixon in as a backup who could work his way into some opportunities, and it wouldn’t take much to pry him away from the Ravens practice squad.

Dennis Dixon, who played under Chip Kelly in 2007 when Kelly was the Oregon offensive coordinator, could be a target for Kelly's Philadelphia offense.

Pat White

A phenomenal quarterback at West Virginia in a similar type offense.  The only problem is that he’s built more like an NBA point guard than an NFL QB. 


Honorable Mentions- Tim Tebow, Vince Young and Darron Thomas

2012 in review

January 13, 2013

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 70,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Rex Ryan’s Tattoo?

January 9, 2013

Hands down, most ridiculous tattoo I’ve ever seen in my life.  Rex has a tattoo of his wife, I get that.  But Mark Sanchez!?  And why the hell is she Tebow’ing?   That’s ridiculous.  Sanchez had like 18 interceptions and 14 fumbles (including the infamous butt-fumble).  He sucks.  I mean at least have her wearing a Bart Scott jersey or some shit.    Oh, and Sanchez DEFINATELY screwed Mrs. Ryan.

Queer Jail?

January 9, 2013

(Xtra)A Cameroonian court has overturned the conviction of two men who were sentenced to five-year prison terms after they were found guilty of “homosexual behaviour,” The Associated Press and report. Police arrested Singa Kimie (also known as Jonas Singa Kumie) and Ndjome Francky (also known as Franky Djome) outside a nightclub in the capital Yaoundé in July 2011. They were subsequently sentenced to jail because of the clothes they were wearing (considered not masculine enough), their “feminine” speech and for drinking Baileys, perceived as a gay man’s drink.


Here’s the thing: I don’t think being gay should be illegal. But if a law is on the books then it’s on the books. In Cameroon one of those happens to be that you can’t be a gay. Like I don’t necessarily think that brutally murdering somebody who doesn’t say “God bless you” after you sneeze should be illegal in America, but it is. So I don’t do it.

Singa and Ndjome broke the law. They’re gay. Straight dudes don’t do a few things. They don’t wear popped colors. They don’t tilt their heads with gay little smirks in pictures. They don’t have alternate names like Jonas and Franky. They definitely don’t drink straight Baileys. So as much as I’d hate to say it the courts really screwed the pooch on this one. Let guilty men walk straight out their doors, free to bang dudes to their hearts content. Haven’t seen the ball dropped this badly since that lady whose name I can’t remember that killed her kid.

PS – don’t have to tell me that I’m lucky to live in the USA. In Cameroon, remarkably fashionable men who think Taylor Swift is the songbird of our generation get sent to prison long before they’re lucky enough to get their hands cutoff with a machete

Gold Standard?

January 4, 2013

DM – It is often said that money can’t buy love. But trying telling that to a wealthy Indian man who splashed out £14,000 on a solid gold shirt in the hope it will attract female attention. Money-lender Datta Phuge 32, from Pimpri-Chinchwad, commissioned the shirt which took a team of 15 goldsmiths two weeks to make working 16 hours a day creating and weaving the gold threads. It comes complete with its own matching cuffs and a set of rings crafted from left-over gold. ’I know I am not the best looking man in the world but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt?’ he explained ’The gold shirt has been one of my dreams,’ Mr Phuge told Indian newspaper the Pune Mirror. ’It will be an embellishment to my reputation as the ‘Gold man of Pimpri”‘ Mr Phuge said.  The gaudy shirt was assembled on a fabric base of imported white velvet, and comes with six Swarovski crystal buttons and an intricate belt, also made of gold.


Awwwww shit! This man Datta Phuge been pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpin! Don’t think I’ve ever seen a more sure-fire way to get sluts on your dick than wearing a solid gold shirt around town. It’s like fishing with dynamite. And I love his quote there: ‘I know I am not the best looking man in the world but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt?’ Now that’s a man who understands the female mind. Gonna have a ho train following him everywhere he goes. Fucking conga line of skanks looking to cash in. Well played sir, well played.

But seriously you gotta love Indian dudes. Maybe the most awkward race of people when it comes to dealing with women. Has an Indian bro ever fucked a white girl in the history of the universe? I think that might be the rarest interracial hookup in the game. Indian dudes are so awkward with girls that even a super rich one can’t rely on just telling girls he’s rich. He has to visually display it in the form of a shirt to make sure they get the message loud and clear. No way a solid gold shirt could ever be misinterpreted. I’m single, I’m wealthy, and I’m looking for pussy. Loud and fucking clear.

PS – How do you wash it?

Stripper Fail?

January 2, 2013

CLEVELAND A stripper was taken to the hospital after a fall from a balcony at a club in The Flats early Wednesday morning. The incident happened at about 12:40 a.m. at Christie’s Cabaret on Main Avenue. According to a report from Cleveland police, a witness told police he was on the second floor getting a lap dance from the victim, a 22-year-old woman. ”He stated that she grabbed the rail, as he was facing away from the balcony, and she tried to complete some sort of dance jump/dance move, and accidentally went head first over the rail,” stated the officer in the report. Cleveland EMS said the fall was about 15 feet. The victim was taken to MetroHealth Medical Center, where the hospital said she remains in critical condition. The police report said she received “major head trauma.” Police said two men who witnessed the incident fled the bar as soon as it happened. Another man who was in the club at the time told NewsChannel5 that he didn’t see it happen, but said the victim wasn’t moving after the fall and her face was covered in blood. He said he also saw two men leave as soon as it happened.

You know what is absolutely the funniest part of this potentially tragic story? The 2 dudes who fled the strip club after she fell. A faultless accident in a strip club and these dudes are not even considering sticking around while police show up. I got warrants! That was undoubtedly a couple black dudes who were like “I dont give a shit if I had nothing to do with this – there’s a dead stripper in the same room as me and that is not a recipe for success.”

As far as the stripper goes, obviously you hope that she ends up ok. But more importantly you hope that the young strippers of America take this tragic story as a lesson to be learned. Acrobatics and Cirqu De Soleil routines is not what puts ass in the seats. Back flips and pole climbing ain’t what earns the tips. I’m here at this club going commando wearing mesh shorts. I want you to rub your butt against my junk until I come in my pants. Save the Olympic Pole Dancing for Chinese gymnasts.